Open letter about losing someone to suicide

Dear D, every day away from you, my desire to see you shatters every night I dream of you. Every sigh, every hug, even if it's from my mind, brings me a comfort I haven't truly felt in years. My greatest act of selfishness is wanting to trap you in this world that you yourself fled, that you yourself couldn't stand and took yourself out of here. But tell me, was it really worth it? Was it worth giving up decades of years that could have been incredible because of people? I'm not sure, and maybe I'll never have that concrete doubt of reality because you did this. This will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I will love and be loved by someone truly in a way you never could. I will visit places you only dreamed of. I will live for you. I will dedicate my future to thinking, "What would he do at this age?" Since you left I can't find meaning in life, not in religion, not in anything, this thing about you killing yourself confused my mind so much, I blame myself so much for not having stayed by your side at your wake, I had no idea what you were doing in that coffin, I had no idea why our parents and family were crying so much around you, you were so cold, so out of it, there was something so wrong, you had never been like this before. But the moment they locked you inside, it gave me so much agony, a tremendous claustrophobia, and when they put you in that hole in the ground and started pouring concrete on top of the damned wooden box they locked you in, it gave me so much pain, a kind of pain I had never felt before, a pain greater than a bullet in the middle of my chest, seeing the one I've known since I can remember inside something that could never be taken away, the one I grew up with, laughed with, cried with, loved so much... "You jumped out of the chair, and the suffocation of all the pain you felt, both psychologically and physically, was all suffocating and killing you once and for all."

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