A Fever I Won't Sweat Out

2 days ago, the album which changed my insignificant teen life turned 20. I was a hopeless pretender, emotionally dissociated and lacking in any creative motivation, when I first discovered A Fever You Can't Sweat Out on my way to clarinet tutoring. It was unlike anything I'd ever heard before- weird, a mess of genres, styles and sound- and it intrigued me. From that point forth, I listened to the entire record daily on train rides to the shops, the hour-long ride to school, and then the hour-long ride home. 

I don't know how to even begin to describe the impact this album, Panic!, the community that surrounded it, the aesthetic of the live shows, their style and expression, their sound, the lyricism, and everyone playing their instruments had on me. 

I can see their influence on my life everywhere. Hell, this album was my gateway into alt music. But, for some more literal examples:

- I returned to piano and recorded myself playing 'intermission', layering on my own clarinet skills as though I were making a record for a band of my own (it's actually on youtube XD)

- my skateboard's griptape has 'PANIC' cut out of it, I have 'PANIC!' stitched into my schoolbag and messengerbag in a public display of my affection

- I got into 2000s fashion, and now my clothes rack is populated by old pieces I have hunted in thrift shops over the years. My favourite is a skinny white blazer, with detailing akin to that of ryan ross' gloves/ jackets.

- I spent countless hours consuming and creating art, blogs and essays surrounding AFYCSO's themes, panic!'s history and discourse:

The above is my work, “And Isn’t This Exactly Where You’d Like Me” 2024

For years, I yearned to purchase the album myself and own a physical piece of Panic!. I scoured JBHIFI's and salvos, ultimately finding a copy in a record shop in the city only this year. It is one of my most prized possessions. As I've been writing this, I've had the CD on and been belting those same lyrics which spoke to me years ago.

I was alone in my bed, house and head. When did I get all confident? 

*Build God's CELLO outro plays...*