3 school years of addiction and psychotic episodes

I started getting high a lot in freshman year, I drank a little, it fucked me up. went into my first psychosis episode and I lost everyone I loved. well, that's vague. but, I'm in a religious school, catholic to be more specific. its a great school. it was insanely triggering though. I was 14, still with unhealed / untreated PTSD. so the religious triggers in a psychotic episode when I had multiple substances in my system did not do well for me. I know I am not a good person, no matter how much I've improved, over, and over again I go back to my old ways.

as my mother has said, "you might be like me, but at least I'm not a junkie." I was 14.

now she gets high almost daily, but she thinks i don't know. 

sophomore year, I managed my psychosis better, I passed my classes. but I ended up getting worse at the very end of the year, got betrayed and disrespected by the person I trust most. I fucked up and lost everyone. I drank my soul out in the summer. I honestly made a suicide plan and almost followed it. one person who was caught in the drama, I stopped being her friend. shes a good person, I just cant do this anymore, I cant trust her knowing shes friends with the dicks who ruined me and my bff's lives. (and the friend who betrayed me has also mistreated her and then I had to communicate for the friend who was acting bitchy) 

now I'm starting junior year, honestly? I don't know If I can make it fully sober. the thing is, I'm medicated, going to clubs, going out. my life is kind of good now? except that my sister got kicked out, thankfully my moms cancer is treated now. but every now and then I skip my doses, and that psychotic side of me just leaks out a bit. obviously, it's not good, but it's me. like, its so relieving? and I start relapsing, but like, slowly, slowly, slowly. just tiny bits until I eventually go crazy and I'm covered in bandages. 

all this because I was curious as a wee little freshman. 

How am I supposed to ever forgive myself? I know what people think of me,

the second I do something wrong, there's drama, the people who "liked me" and were "my friends" suddenly call me a junkie, and shame me for relapsing INSTANTLY when something happens, or when they're mad no matter how much healing and struggle I've went through. That's how I know they don't truly care or support me. and its even funnier that the person who ruined my life has the same problem, and they aren't calling him that! his best friend is shaming me and being rude for relapsing on the SAME THING HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH. she def doesn't actually support him. Of course, I hate him. I hate what he's done, but I understand addiction. he deserves support and help getting out of it. I was the only person who truly understood and could help but he didn't communicate it much so I couldn't do much other then treat him like a normal person. I have so, SO much hate in my heart and I can't take it out. God, I want to. he ruined everything. 

the only reason I don't miss them is because an important person in my life died when I was very young. and when i was younger and developing PTSD, I felt so much inner guilt. insane waves of it out of nowhere, constantly. now I don't feel guilt often. its just not something I feel. 

I'm done chasing people. I've been chasing people I don't even miss, or even care about losing. yet for so long I've been playing the part of the communicator and someone who fixes up situations constantly, constantly, constantly. just for them to give up on me the second I do something wrong. The truth is, I've always studied other people to understand myself, I understand people extremely well. Yet, I force my reactions to what people say or what I see. I've trained myself subconsciously on what to say, where to look, what to say and when to, I can never know if I'm me or just a subconscious voice box speaking on command. But I think maybe I've been actually feeling when I'm on my medication. I just don't know what, or why. I know myself in my psychotic episodes like every skin cell on my body, but I've been so used to being psychotic, when those symptoms go away, I don't know who I am, why I say, do, look at something. I know myself when I'm off my medication. 

the person I love most, I can never hide stuff for too long. but I don't know if I can keep this all in. I know he would support me through it, I trust him. I just cant take any more confrontation, any more talks, I don't want to mention my urges, because I already know they'll have a hold on me. He makes me actually FEEL. 

Now, I don't know I'm randomly hooking up with someone. he's a great guy, but what the FUCK am I doing??? why am I trying to do shit with people?? I feel like a whore. I've even sold myself too. 

thanks for reading or skimming this if you did I just wanted to get this out.