Navigating depression, grief, betrayal, & suicidal tendencies: a survivor's story #suicideawarenessmonth

Nobody can really tell when you will be attacked by sudden suicidal thoughts. But the root of it is deep depression, death of a best friend, unapologetic 1st  love's absolution, betrayal, psychological abuse, extreme indoctrination cult rituals, other friends leaving the country for good, cyber-bullying, body-shaming, and the lack of support of those that matter to me: my flesh, my blood, my love, & my life. The people I trusted allowed for it to happen. 

As a young girl, I was failed. And as a young woman, I was disrespected and was left alone to fend for myself. I was also a victim of cyber abuse. I also wasn't accepted by the ones I loved. A parent, a mother to be exact (not mine) was involved to make sure distance was kept multiple times, & I was accused of something I wasn't. & not a proper closure or a single fvcks were given. Explanation doesn't seem fit. They already have the narrative they want to perceive of you. I just woke up one day and said to myself, that it has to end. I felt there is no turning back no matter how much love there was for those involved. My heart was heavy. My love was supposed to be my home. But it wasn't. My family was supposed to be my main home. Also, it wasn't. I runaway from home, to escape it all and left everything behind. Navigating the pain, I always find various ways to fight it. In creativity, I lust.

As the suicidal tendencies attack, it is a tough inner battle with myself. There was no peace of mind. I felt the entire world betrayed me and that I, didn't matter living as a human being. I had this urge of feeling that I am worthless and that my existence is a waste to the society. Hence, the suicidal tendencies. My attempt was trying to jump from my old home's roof top. In my hand, a picture of my siblings, pets, deceased friend, loved one, and my favorite "Razorblade romance" HIM cd album. In those attempts, there was always something that stopped me from falling. Either I was stuck in a tree, or a random home maintenence person saw me and pulled me out, or half of my body gets stuck on a huge open window from below. I still have the scars from it all: from my arms and wrists. I guess, it's my mercyful fate. 

During the darkest times of my life, the only thing that really saved me and kept me sane, was my love for unconventional arts, listening to goth/metal music, nature, animals, and my focus on my career as a professional makeup artist. There were also very few  important people who gave me food, solace, & shelter when I was left alone. When in deep pain, I paint meticulous artworks, or paint faces of beautiful humans, and forget the hours of my day. In a way, it made me forget the hurt that has been lingering in what started for months and then, for years. I focused more on my art, makeup artistry, self-healing, poetry/blog writings, listening to my go-to music albums, and surround myself with those who are always there for me: those that see me for who and what I am. It was my kind of therapy. Being busy was my drugs. My art saved me and my  career fed me. 

I tried numbing my pain on exploring with other relationships, too. You know, dating people out of my spectrum (e.g. Non-metalhead goth like me, or a different nationality, and the opposite sex, too). Because I was deprived of respect first, and then, love. And that you just need to move on from the toxicities. I thought maybe things will be different. They say "coffee and milk", go along together. But over the course of those exploration, and your quest for love, you find things were just repeated failures by finding out you were not equally loved as well, or nothing was ever serious. Or that, you were also just a second option. It is disappointing. And to find out about the person(s) that you are with had prioritized/chosen other than you is ironic. Oh, both of them, they are all ugly! 🤣 Karma is also satisfying 🤣. 

I realized I couldn't lie to my heart. I could not be taken for granted again. It's never your loss. It's never your fault. Because what broke you first, is, was, and the one and only first deepest cut. And it fucking hurts. It will take years to recover from that lone true pain. That whatever came after that lone true pain, all was just a rebound. And it will also take time to find the right one who can save you from all that pain. So you only have yourself. But don't worry. It will come. For every light comes darkness, and darkness has it's light. Every trials you face, all are just a test. You will make it through. The world is vast.  Opportunity awaits. You deserve to be happy. Don't give up! Our history has served its purpose as a lesson. It was life-altering and it taught me many things: to honor the past without being imprisoned by it. 

I learned at those times, the only one who will be there for you and save you from all the bliss, is yourself. I learned to re-love myself. So I took care of myself. And that, it's okay to be different, and a non-religious non-conformist. The world is too vast to lock yourself inside a box. Because most of the times, those people who are deemed too "Godly" perfect, are usually the ones who are evil. I became hungry for success, and prove those that failed me wrong. My success and self-care became my utmost drive for revenge. They are not worth your time. Don't dwell on anger and resentment. Celebrate that your character is abundant to never treat anyone the way they mistreated you. Your success is already a living testimony of how far you have become, and that you are way ahead. 

Do know, that in that process, you will know who your real friends are. There are those that stay beside you to spy and use you, and there are a very few of those that stick with you for life. There are also life-long stalkers from your past and those who are part of your past's present lives, that continues to pry on your everyday activities and achievements. Just remain collected, and pursue your success. Let karma and regret deal with them. Also, never let the ones who betrayed you re-enter your life, because they weren't there when you needed them at the hardest points of your life. They will do it again. And if you are as witchy as me, fill your personal belongings with salted stones, salted crystals, and spiritual plants for guidance and to ward off the negative vibes. 

Here we are, 22 years later. The once betrayed young girl and teenage woman, is now living her dreams as an adult woman. Grateful for my life, my beloved husband: the man who witnessed everything way back as friends - - before we got together as lovers--for we were great friends back then, and my loved ones, pets, my journey, & the vast opportunities it gave me. I have no regrets. I fought hard for my life, my rights, and freedom to live my life the way I wanted it to be... away from the usual conformities of life & toxicities of the normies. I have no regrets with my sacrifices and decisions. I am respected. I've met my heroes. I found my tribe. I am celebrated. I am different. I am unique. I am special. I am me. I am the vibe. Nothing can stop me to unravel my own greatness. 

As a mutilple attempted-jump suicide survivor, I am proud that I have recovered from it all. I have danced with it, made a companion out of it, lived with it, and ritualized with it. The main goal now, is to learn how to live with the aftermath traumas of pain even if it is very challenging. It's time to bury all of the dark days, in coal chamber for good. Your peace belongs in the future - not in the past. It is also important for me to be aware of those around me that are going through what I have experienced, and be of help to them. If one have never been close to the edge, do not judge. One do not have the right to judge when we all have our own battles in life. I've seen horrible judgement and prejudice in regards to suicide, it is often blamed for "not having religion" etc. Ultimate bullshit! Anyone can go through it with or without religion! Mind your own business! 

This September is important. It is Suicide Awareness Month, and Sept. 10th is Suicide Awareness day. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I am a proud survivor. If one is going through such ordeal, in this journey of healing, always talk to your important confidant(s) when you are going through/feel these symptoms. If it gets too difficult, seek professional help (see a psychiatrist, doctor, or therapist). Do know it is OK to feel down at times & it's ok to talk about it. Spread Suicide awareness & not social stigma. Suicide is not selfishness. Be kind & compassionate. Because everyone is fighting their own battles in life. Those that go through the pain for attempting suicide or those that have died from it, it is caused by mental illness and deep pain. We are very good at hiding it. Sometimes, even the happiest looking person can be experiencing it. And if worse case scenario, there is always help. Surround yourself with things that you love and those that value you. You are not alone.

Thank you for reading this post. It means a lot. May it help guide you and navigate your way into life. 

🖤🖤🖤

Xoxo, 

Devruhadabra 

#suicideawarenessmonth

#suicideawareness