9/27/25 [14 days sober]

a quick revelation: i think, i like life. i think i like life without drinking. i think i actually feel happy.

last night i was out at the local emo night again, and familiar faces oozed out of the crevices of downtown. everyone was taking shots and offering drinks to me left and right. full shots, shared beer. it took a lot to, but i did it and refused. 

finally when i got into the venue, one of my besties was very sloshed and being her usual cute self when music is involved. screaming lyrics, dancing to the music, holding onto me and jumping with me. i was still frigid and it took a while for me to get in the groove, to get on her head level. it might've taken me 3-4 songs before i just didn't care and focused on the pit full of thrashing pop punks, and eventually joining in on it.

i was having fun without a single ounce of booze in me. well i did taste an extremely little tequila jello shot from a syringe but just for curiosity purposes.

there was a different, clean high, that i was experiencing. something about being shoulder to shoulder and bumping into the nicest people in the emo scene, even getting pulled into the whirlpool by a random Machete looking guy, while all scream-singing Helena or I Hate Everything About You with strangers. it was an adrenaline-filled, cathartic group healing and deep spiritual synergy. this is what it's supposed to be. 

fuck that alcoholic noise and the making you doubt yourself once you've had your fill.

even when i was accused of something kinda dumb when the show ended, and the cops were called, and my name was being thrown out to blame (i was literally living my best life INSIDE the building, not even a bathroom break. and don't worry, we worked it out with the venue) it was refreshing to come out of a sweaty aftermath with the cool 1am air and a sober brain to sort things out without heightened defensiveness. 

man, it's peaceful in my head. now i can justify dropping $500 for MCR tickets as a reward, especially if i can keep this up for a year.