the whispers that lost love leaves behind

It's strange to exist after a breakup. Everything feels the same—quiet, so very quiet—yet it’s completely different, because now that quiet is the absence of someone I once knew. I feel like less of a person without you, detached from the version of myself I used to be.

I feel like I'm floating in the in-between at the moment, my head full of contradictions. I feel more alone, but at the same time, not thinking about you has given me more time to think about myself as a person and who I want to be. At the same time, I'm falling back into bad habits I had broken out of, searching for the comfort I lost when I lost you.

It doesn't even really hurt anymore. There are no more tears I can shed when you pass through my mind, only that deep ache in my chest. The worst part is that I feel like myself again, even if I'm more lost than ever, even though I'm not always happy. I want to claw at the part of myself that knows this was the right decision. We were never really going to work out, and I was so stupid for thinking we could. How naive of me.

But every day I was with you, I felt less like me and more like the girl I thought you wanted. You never asked me to change, and sometimes I think that could have been what drew you away. I couldn't help it—I let myself become consumed by the girl I thought belonged with you rather than giving you myself. Who even am I anymore? I don't fully know. Even then, every day I start to feel more like the girl I was before you.

You always used to say you weren't going anywhere, that you'd be with me forever, but I always knew if we broke up, I wouldn't be the one doing it. I wonder how you feel now, knowing you broke the promise, knowing you let me down.

I wonder about you often. My thoughts of you haven’t faded—you still fill my mind. And yet, I don’t regret what we had. I only wish I could have been better—wish I’d helped you open up more. Wish that when I noticed you were changing, I had faced it instead of running from it. But you can’t escape the inevitable.

I wonder what you are feeling and thinking. I wish I could read your mind, see how you're doing. You seemed to be doing better than me, but you are full of facades. Do you still think of me fondly? Do you even think of me at all? Do you already have someone new to fill the absence I left behind? What do you do with your quiet?

When I am reminded of you now, I do not run from it. I don't turn my head away from our old spots or banish you from my mind's eye. Instead, I let you be there, sit with you for a while. I will never be rid of you, I don't think—but if I am being fully honest, I don't want to. I don't want you back anymore, but I won't let myself taint good memories with disdain. 

The love we shared was beautiful, and I will cherish the time we spent together forever. More than that, I will always remember the lessons you taught me. Maybe in another life it could have been us, maybe one day we’ll try again, but not now. For now, I’m learning to fall in love with the silence, to be at peace simply existing. And for that—for reminding me I needed that before I needed anyone else—I will always be grateful to you.