how to be a kitty cat.

that's the truth! yes! standing right there in front of you. looking back at you. making eye contact with you. making a home in the front of your mind. the truth! you are an animal too!

human intelligence: an evolutionary fluke. a lucky roll of the dice.

the human body: animal. pure animal.

a long, long time ago our ancestors sank their teeth into raw meat. they took their big, strong hands, they pried apart flesh with their fingers, they tore sinew from bone, they lifted chunks of red, wet, heavy gore to their mouths.

they bit. they ripped. they shredded. they gnashed. they gnawed. they licked. they slobbered. they swallowed. they gulped. they gorged. blood on their hands. blood under their nails. blood and drool dripping down their chins. mouths stained red, stringy flesh caught between teeth.

just like lions, beasts, monsters..!! no, just like lions. animals. kill to eat to survive.

it wasn't so long ago, not really. humankind is young. humankind is a blip, hardly noticeable, in the life of the earth. humankind is a toddler testing mother earth's limits. humankind is a petulant child who has just reached consciousness and is forming a personality. humankind is far from mother earth's first child and she'll be damned if humankind be her last.

somewhere down the line humans learned that weapons could be used for more than just hunting prey. clever humans learned that a club to the head kills a rabbit, but it also harms the brother who stole your rabbit. human intelligence created spears that could not only bring down elk, but settle personal grievances. human intelligence and instinct is a dangerous mix.

how far we've come!

fuck!

it's okay, we're not doomed.

listen to me. hunt, catch, kill, consume. it is there, you know. in the pit of your stomach. that hunger. deny it, swallow your vegetables, deny, swallow. it's still there. "psychopathy", without looking deeper, some point and whisper; others try, they really do, they take the right path but they take a wrong turn and end up at "anger"— while there is some merit to the idea, in the end it is shallow and clinical. the real answer is obvious, simple, stupid; instinct.

kill is instinct.

kill what you fear.

kill what you eat.

kill what you need.

that's all it is. we all have the instinct, still. it's the limbic system: fear, fight, flee, freeze, feed, fornicate.

add sapience, human intelligence.

that creates responsibility.

you can give in to that instinct. you could. hypothetically. physically. free will and all that... do you feel that stirring in your guts? like the prized black walnut's hard shell beneath bitter flesh. you could give in. what does the knowledge taste like? bile? nectar? does it sit heavy like a stone? do you let it bloom and rush through your veins? do you blink the thought away? do your pupils dilate? are your palms sweating out of horror or ecstasy?

easy, settle, stay with me. you're in control here.

house cats. they are very much in tune with their wild instincts. hunt, catch, kill, eat. they need it, oh, they need it! so we wave around a toy on a string for them to hunt, and catch, and kill, what a thrill! and then we feed them so they can eat their hard-won prize. we satisfy their natural instincts to keep them happy.

don't you want to be as happy as a house cat?

wouldn't we all like to be happy as house cats?

i think, no, fantasize about getting a huge slab of raw meat.

rare roast beef is wet, juicy and soft, fleshy. without any experience in acting out this fantasy (but plenty of experience in admiring different chubs of meat), that's what i'd choose.

i'd set aside a selection of tools— tongs, a fork, a butter knife, a boning knife, a bread knife, a paring knife, a steak knife, shears...

setting doesn't matter. at least, it isn't something i've put thought into. when the mood strikes, i'd do it then and there, were i able.

mostly, i just want to know what it's like to stab flesh. and which feel from which knife is most satisfying. which knife sinks in with enough resistance from the meat for me to feel it give? which one slices through meat like through air? which blade leaves the messiest wound? which blade punctures like a hit to the gut? which one can the meat take to the tip, the spine, the heel, the bolster..?

the idea of stabbing excites me. it stimulates me. mentally, sexually, instinctually. instinctually is such a sensual word. not instinct, but instinctually. just take the context away and form and feel and hear the word itself.

i don't want to harm a human or any other animal. not a mantra, just a fact.

animal instinct + human intelligence = responsibility.

so puncture pierce prick perforate penetrate a slab of dead meat. no harm no foul. kill and eat. no waste, no want, no worries.

stimulate and satisfy and satiate your inner animal. do you understand? that's what you are, you know. an animal.