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Hi, I'm Stardust. I have so much to say yet now writing this, I feel stuck.
I feel lost in a way, I spent all my summer rotting away on my phone, hobbies I used to engage with long forgotten. I still remember how I'd tell my mom "I can't do X because I can't stop drawing!", now picking up my pen, turning on my tablet feels impossible. I still push through though.
Here I am, one week away from year 3 of college, attempting a detox again. I still needed something, anything remotely similar, but without feeling like I'm force fed bullshit with every swipe of my thumb so... I'm here.
Hi again, hihi.
I'm trying to teach myself that the world doesn't need to see what I throw into the void. It used to be so normal to just ramble about anything you wanted, even if people wouldn't engage with it. I got stuck in a loop of social media being my primary form of validation, when back in the day I used to just throw my thoughts into my Google+ profile like a digital diary. I remember how many people I met through that, way more than I ever met through any other means, back when we didn't care about numbers. And that's coming from a software engineer student - numbers are my jam! Not here though.
So I'm gonna teach myself to throw stuff into the void for the fun of it. No more "how many compliments can I get from posting this" or "I hope this gets 10 likes", just me and the internet, just like it used to be. Completely separate from my other social media presence, completely separate from the pressure I feel on there.
And oh man do I feel the pressure, with every damn post I feel the pressure. I've recently discovered I am stalked again by some people I hoped to cut ties with. I found out when I was told some info I didn't know before, got pissed and posted a quick vent about it, only to wake up to my partner showing me a message they got from that person, saying how they saw everything. I just hate this feeling of constantly being under surveillance, I can't say anything at all on any of my mains, that's how scared I am. I can't even say anything about my struggles without people calling it venting, that word completely lost its meaning. Whatever happened to human connection? Whatever happened to seeking comfort?
In a way I just proved myself right. I have so much to say yet I still have that pressure lingering in the back of my mind and it's so hard to open up again, but the glass shattered and everything spilled out. I can't even tell if what I just said makes any sense to anyone but me, but that's what I'm trying to teach myself: to stop caring and just POST THINGS!!!
I miss being silly on the internet!!!
Let me finish this off with something silly!!
I have a lot of original characters, I like making stories in my head. A while ago I needed to figure out what one of my OCs would smell like (his shampoo and body wash!), so I went with a mix of lavender and chamomile, because I have this one tea that's exactly that blend and it's my favorite! I ended up just cutting up a few of the packets and shoving them in a tiny jar just to smell it, it helps me get in the groove of writing from his perspective, or writing any of my other characters thinking of him. I keep the jar next to my monitor since it's in reach.
AH! I'm also getting back into writing fanfics for one of my fandoms! I have a whole lil AU planned out that I can't wait to flesh out more.
Listening: Joey Batey - Whoreson Prison Blues
I should go back and finish the game, this is how I would imagine one of my characters sounds like :3
Watching: Hypnospace Outlaw - Story Explained (Part 1) by Flawless Peacock
Their video essays are super cool! I throw them in the background when drawing.
Playing: Hollow Knight: Silksong
I'm over 70 hours in! I got to act 3 yesterday after a lot of rage quitting XD
Comments
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MelsiePyre
I wish I had art to share. My imagination is stale. It's hard to get inspiration when my life feels so boring and limited. I have no friends irl, nothing to escape my mother and her boring Christian life. In a way I feel worthless, having nothing to share.
I have no friends IRL either so you're not alone!! Most of the people I have are online and I worked to hell and back to find them. I tried really hard to make friends in college, but I found out from someone a while ago that they think I'm arrogant or something when I straight up tried my best to always make it about them LOL people can be so weird, I got over it
As for the imagination part, it's not completely lost, you know. I'm from a country that's basically ruled over my Christianity when I don't share their beliefs, I still try to make the most of it, mainly escaping online.
I think a lot of people think that creativity comes naturally because they've been at it since they were little, but as someone who's "been at it since they were little", I see it more like a muscle you have to train. I had a period of time where I couldn't create anything (not because I didn't want to, because I physically couldn't), and when I came back to it, I was sooo lost on how to do it again. It's moreso about pushing through that feeling of "idk how to do it" and just making something, could be art, could be writing, could be gluing macaroni to a piece of paper. Anything people make can be called art, and all art is worth sharing.
I started with fanart of My Little Pony when I was like 6-7 years old and now I've developed my own world with its own characters and stories and struggles, I also write fanfics about my favorite fandoms and ships. Was that first ever fanart I made good? Hell no, but it's more important to make it exist first, you can make it better later.
Hope that wasn't too rambly, I tried to give examples of my experiences so maybe it's easier to get where I'm coming from and what I mean <33
by Stardust; ; Report
Go figure, I just gotta start cooking up stuff. No worries, those were some helpful rambles!! I want to say it sucks that I couldn't get in early, and get that boost in just making stuff for the love of it, but, idk, the boulder laments their lack of momentum, I guess. Once I get a job and move out, maybe I'll be able to focus better. I hope.
by MelsiePyre; ; Report
Everything will align into place someday, I believe in you <3
Till then, try to make the most of it, I'm sure you can!
by Stardust; ; Report
Galantine
Yeah, I feel you, I moved to spacehey because other social media platforms because it led me into treating my art as something to sell and pitch rather than something to share. It's so nice to see others reclaim their fun!
Also, I do something similar with my ocs. I stick the things that I think fits their character (or whatever made me think of them) onto their pages!
aHH!! So glad I'm not alone in this!! Artists have it so bad nowadays, I remember back in the deviantart days how easy it would be to find people who just appreciated art for what it is, now it's like an endless cycle of fighting the algorithm, sometimes I forget what made me start drawing in the first place.
by Stardust; ; Report
Yes! People didn't even care about chasing trends or aesthetics, it was just art to connect with others and art made purely to experience making art. I actually wish I had participated there back then. ):
by Galantine; ; Report
It's never too late to start! Our online lives are about what we make of them, we can always add that bit of whimsy and sparkle back into it, even if there's less people around nowadays to share that sentiment with \^v^/
by Stardust; ; Report
Right hahahahaha, goodluck to us and our journey or rediscovering whimsy!
by Galantine; ; Report
Right hahahahaha, goodluck to us and our journey or rediscovering whimsy!
by Galantine; ; Report
EGGFLYING
I relate to basically almost all of this but yeah !! spacehey should be the thought dump website. freedom !!! no hard thinking jus silly bleh
Yeah!!! >:3 We shouldn't lose our sparkle!!! Don't get stripped of our whimsy!!!!
by Stardust; ; Report