Long Days -- Crashing Out Over Stupid Shit

★═════════════════════════════════════════════════════════★

September 26th, 2025 ★ Senior year, Journal 2

★══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════★

Good (extremely late/early) Morning, 

It's been another long fuckin' day.

I've been procrastinating packing for this stupid trip for like a week straight and at this point I'm starting to piss myself off. 

It doesn't help that I'm currently avoiding my friends because Tensions are rising for no reason other than everyone is too afraid to talk to each other about anything. It's really stressful when people you're meant to be friends with are making it impossible to be around them, who'd have thought! I'm not helping in my own regard, because its a problem between two people and my stupid hyperempathetic ass can't help but get emotionally caught up in their bullshit.
I feel bad for it but I've skipped going to lunch and dinner at my usual time (fucking up my own schedule as a result) just to try and avoid being around them both at the same time. It sucks.

I know it's only tangentially related, but both of them also have a really bad habit of "calling me out" for shit that could not matter any less.

Today at dinner I had to turn down an invitation to go to a movie with everyone because I still have to finish packing. And one of them had the audacity to say "That's the same excuse you had for [thing I ended up having time for]." Lo and behold that's because I ended up NOT FUCKING DOING IT. Thank you for bringing up that I'm incompetent, that's such an ego boost! I love feeling stupid! And I swear to god the fact that they don't realize that shit is hurtful is just the nail in the goddamn coffin. 

I would genuinely rater look dumb than have them correct me literally every time I say something slightly wrong because the cursory amount of information in my head HAPPENS to be slightly incorrect. god forbid. I don't know everything, I don't lie on purpose, and it seriously annoys me that they take every opportunity to make me look stupid. 

Sighs. In all seriousness I know logically that it isn't intentionally malicious, and I need to just tell her that it hurts my feelings, but that's easier said than done. Especially considering I'm fucking god awful at articulating myself in conversation. How do you tell your friend that you think a thing they do (probably unintentionally) triggers your PTSD? That every time you're in conversation you're walking on eggshells and then ONE slip of the tongue or misremembered fact becomes a federal fucking issue, and that makes you want to rip your tongue out of your throat and take a swan dive of the nearest skyscraper? You don't. Because that's fucked up.

I don't know how to tell them any of that without coming across as a huge jackass though. So it goes in the online diary where I putt all my feelings because bottling them up until I am a ball of nothing is "UnHeAlThY".

I pray to all that is good and holy that no one I know in real life ever finds this.

Get some sleep you Cretin, 
★ Kasper