THE ANT RANT 🫩

ANTS ARE BASICALLY NATURE’S UNPAID INTERNS. TINY, OVERWORKED, NO BENEFITS, NO VACATION DAYS, AND IF THEY SLACK OFF FOR EVEN A MILLISECOND, SOME BIGGER BUG OR YOUR FOOT IS GONNA OBLITERATE THEM. AND YET, SOMEHOW, THEY RUN THEIR LITTLE UNDERGROUND EMPIRES LIKE THEY’RE THE WALMART OF THE DIRT WORLD. YOU DROP ONE CRUMB OF A CHEEZ-IT ON THE FLOOR, AND SUDDENLY 4,000 OF THEM HAVE FILED HR PAPERWORK TO RAID YOUR KITCHEN LIKE IT’S BLACK FRIDAY.

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON HOW THEY’RE ALL BUILT DIFFERENT. YOU’VE GOT REGULAR WORKER ANTS, SOLDIER ANTS WITH JAWS THAT LOOK LIKE MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVICES, AND THEN THE QUEEN, JUST CHILLING UNDERGROUND, CRANKING OUT BABIES LIKE A BUSTED PEZ DISPENSER. IMAGINE GIVING BIRTH NONSTOP FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE WHILE YOUR LITTLE MINIONS WORSHIP YOU. GIRLBOSS BEHAVIOR, HONESTLY.

BUT ANTS ARE ALSO DISRESPECTFUL. THEY’LL FIND THAT MICROSCOPIC CRACK IN YOUR HOUSE THAT EVEN YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT, AND SUDDENLY YOU’RE PAYING RENT BUT SHARING YOUR SPACE WITH AN ENTIRE ARMY THAT’S TREATING YOUR PANTRY LIKE IT’S AN ALL-INCLUSIVE BUFFET. YOU TRY TO FIGHT BACK WITH THOSE “ANT TRAPS” FROM THE STORE, AND THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE, “AWW, THAT’S CUTE.” ANTS ARE THE ULTIMATE GASLIGHTERS. YOU THINK YOU KILLED THEM ALL? NO. YOU KILLED LIKE FIVE. THE OTHER 3 BILLION ARE STILL VIBING.

THE AUDACITY OF ANTS, TOO—CLIMBING ONTO FOOD THAT’S 400,000 TIMES BIGGER THAN THEM. IF A 200-FOOT GIANT DROPPED A BIG MAC IN THE STREET, WOULD YOU JUST CRAWL INTO THE BUN LIKE “YEAH, THIS IS MINE NOW”? NO. BUT ANTS DO THAT DAILY. AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON FIRE ANTS, THOSE RED DEMONS THAT BITE AND STING AT THE SAME TIME, LIKE THEY TOOK “TWO-IN-ONE SHAMPOO” AS A PERSONAL CHALLENGE.

AND SOMEHOW, HUMANS RESPECT THEM. PEOPLE MAKE DOCUMENTARIES LIKE, “LOOK AT THEIR TEAMWORK, THEIR COMMUNICATION, THEIR INGENUITY!” SIR, THEY’RE JUST BUGS WITH WI-FI. THEY’VE GOT NO HOBBIES, NO DREAMS, JUST “FOOD, NEST, QUEEN, REPEAT.” MEANWHILE, WE’RE OVER HERE BUILDING CIVILIZATIONS, MAKING TIKTOKS, AND CRYING OVER SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS, BUT YEAH, ANTS ARE THE PINNACLE OF ORDER.

IN CONCLUSION: ANTS ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY THE MOST IMPRESSIVE AND MOST ANNOYING FREELOADERS ON EARTH. I RESPECT THEIR HUSTLE, BUT IF ONE MORE ANT COLONY SETS UP SHOP IN MY WALLS, I WILL PERSONALLY DECLARE WAR.