rant (dont read it if u dont want to) im just sad and need to write it down

i sometimes forget im an unwanted child. my mom only wanted another daughter to give her the name my dad had rejected previously. the kid is born sick and now she is stuck with the expensive treatments. the kid doesnt talk and begins talking until age 6. so when she is feed up with the treatment expenses, she completely cuts it off and decides the kid is cured. the cousin just did something terrible but he is her beloved nephew that can do no harm to your daughters, dad fights with her, but at the end the topic is forgotten. age 10, mom decides is time to let the kids know how much of a financial burden they are to her, all born sick with something and that due to the fact that as babies they cost so much, to not ask to go to the doctor or hospital because we have been expensive enough to her. to not ask for toys because they are useless and we are unworthy of having them. she is always pissed for something while keeping a facade of a calm mother, taking answering as talking back, normal talking as screaming, if she's unable to hear you then you are ignoring her, emotions like crying are a way to avoid trouble therefore they must be punished. you must always dress nicely, but she can go with clothes that have holes and stains to any of your events. Her work is important so that justifies leaving your kids without a way of getting food for more than 14 hours. grandfather dies, the kid doesn't cry because she is afraid of doing so, so she decided to call her own child a monster and that she is disgusted of calling her her daughter. surprise, dads family is also mad that the kid is not crying so the uncle tells her that she should die just to see that her parents wont cry for her and that she shouldnt have been born in first place, she is her parents biggest regret and that her own family doesnt like her. the kid runs to her parents crying only to be ignored. Mother acts surprised when she founds out the kid is unable to provide emotional response to things. by now, it's almost time for her to choose what she's going to study but to keep in mind that she should choose a low cost one because her sister wants to study a expensive career and her sister is the priority, after all, the kid has never done anything important like her siblings, the brother is in charge of treasury in his career and her sister is going to multiple events related to science and winning international prizes related to science, what has the kid done to deserve the support her siblings have, ask to go to classes of many different things but always being told no because she isnt the priority? theyre right, that's her fault.

I never asked to be born. I never forced you to be a mother, you were the one that chose to be it. You like to pretend you are surprised that your kid ended up being a drug user and a failure, but when did you care in first place to take care of your own kid. You let your own daughters to get touched by their cousin when they were just 7 and 8, then pretended nothing happened because you care about your nephews future? WHAT ABOUT YOUR OWN CHILDREN. i have told you i feel intense pain in my chest area, it feels like im unable to breathe, yet still, i haven't been to a doctor since im 5 because you are just too busy for me to be sick. You constantly mistreat my cats, they are innocent animals that don't deserve to get your hatred towards me.

i am starting to feel real tired of this, of you

i want to leave this place