Balconies (TW: suicide)

TW: suicide mentioned

I wonder how far out that window I could fly

How far I could go before I hit the ground 

Five stories beneath me

My flesh urging me to return to the Earth

I hope someone would film it

I hate snuff films, I’ve had too many sent to me in my youth

But I hope someone would film it and put it online

So that people could get enjoyment out of it

So they could laugh as I plummet

And joke about the shape of the stain I leave on the ground when they have to wash me off with a hose

This building was built without balconies to make sure people wouldn’t fall off

But people like me, we need the balconies to remind us how high up we are, to scare us away from the edge

Lest we dive out the window like so many others

I wonder how far I could go

I bet I could hit the parking lot

Maybe even land in the bed of one of the facilities trucks

Or their John Deere maintenance vehicles

I wonder how long I could soar for

Could I hit the baseball field?

I like to think I could if I tried hard enough

The foul ball nets would probably get in the way

Not that they’d stop me though

When I put my heart behind something nothing can stop me

They’ll look up and pull out their phones to record it

Pointing like it’s a freak show at a circus as I plummet to the ground

Look what I saw today? Isn’t that crazy?

And that’s fine

Because I don’t expect them to talk me back into my window

They’d rather stare at the spectacle

As a performer, really, what better way is there to go?

I’ll have captivated my audience

And left the stage with a dramatic cut to black

And that’s fine.

Maybe there’d be a Good Samaritan

Someone telling me not to jump

But they don’t understand

My heart doesn’t just want me to jump

It wants me to spread my wings and fly over the city

To circle around the skyscrapers and soar through the bay

It wants wings to fly away

I’m hoping it’ll be like the movies

And I lift up at the last second to soar into the heavens

But it’s fine if I don’t

At times like this I want to be gone from this place no matter how that may be achieved

To roll the dice and hope wherever I go next is better

I’ll be in the sky

Looking down at my friends and family from a balcony

Wanting to jump to join them

Except I can’t climb out the window, over the balcony this time

I need to wait for them to live their lives and come to me

I’ll be able to watch them grow and live full lives without me

Not that I need to be a part of theirs anyways.

A bipolar mess stuck between a man with a love for the world and fire in his heart, and a chalk outline of a bundle of cells that ended as nothing more than a suicidal wreck.

I want to fly away

Help me fly away

I don’t know where I’m destined to go

But I want to fly away

Originally written: 25.03.2024

This is part of my ongoing transfer of poetry from my notes app to a place where perhaps it can connect with others.   As always, constructive criticism and discussion is welcome. - SG