Feeling lonely even with friends

back then, during my teenager years, i used to have a lot of friends, both close and "normal" ones. i had a lot of people to talk to, i felt like i was so lucky to have that many friends. i was way more extrovert than i am now, i always had someone to talk to when i needed it or just to spend time together, life felt easier. however, as time went by, i began to lose some friends; I continued to meet new people, even though their numbers decreased over the years. i was happy until i was 18, during my last year of high school, but after that i began to have even fewer friends, as we all went our separate ways.

i started studying to enter nursing school, and that's when a whole new chapter of my life began. i had a new group of friends, i had met some people who were studying nursing like me, and everything was going well. september came, i took the test, and i was admitted to university. that month, i became closer to a boy in my new group of friends (outside of uni), and so i got together with my current boyfriend (literally the best person in the world, my reason for living).

at university, i only knew one girl, who let me join her group of friends, but they made it quite clear that they didn't like me, or at least didn't pay much attention to me. fortunately, after a month, i became very close to a girl in that group, then to a guy sitting in front of us, and finally to a girl who sat at the back of the classroom (whom i was closer, like if she was my best friend). the four of us formed a group, and i felt happy because i felt that i had finally found a group of close friends with whom i could share my time and interests beyond studying.

the first year went pretty well, but halfway through the second year i started to feel lonelier. i looked around and realized that i had fewer friends than i had had during my teenage years. it's true, these are people who are closer to me, more mature, but nevertheless i feel like something is missing.

however, the situation has worsened this year. perhaps it is my mental health that is deteriorating, but the fact is that even though i have a few friends at university, a group of very close friends, and a best friend (whom i consider a brother) whom i have known for over six years, i feel incredibly lonely.

something even happened in my "uni group". i have always been a clumsy, impulsive and kinda irrational girl, i'm trying to be better but it isn't easy. this sometimes ruins our friendship because they can't stand me being like this. this month we should have been going out, we're trying to organize this for over a year, and we finally were about to do so. however, that day i misunderstood a message and thought we wouldn't go out anymore, so i literally ruined the day. because of that much stress, i began to scream words like "im so stupid" "i wanna d1e" "imma k-ms" and way more. i know i shouldn't do it but i can't help it. this event caused my friend to distance herself from me. she told me she wanted to take a break because my uncontrolled panic and anxiety made her feel uncomfortable, and because "i refused to accept her help". i also understood that between us, i was the only one who considered her as my best friend, she probably didn't feel the same way about me.

i realized i lost that girl and probably p1ssed off also my two other friends in our uni group. i began to distance myself from them and isolate myself more and more.

the thing that weighs on me the most tho is not having the “best friend” that everyone else has. i have always been the child and teenager who had lots of friends, but never had anyone close to me that i could consider a best friend (i mean, the only girl i thought was my real best friend actually wasn't). i have always wanted to have a best friend to spend afternoons with, study with, cry with, and gossip with, but unfortunately, i have never found one. this year, this lack has made me feel heavier, sadder, and like i am always excluded, even though that is not the case.

in short, i had lots of friends but no best friend. i missed and still miss having that girl by my side. every now and then, i go to sleep with my pillow wet with tears because of this overwhelming feeling of loneliness, even though i have a wonderful boyfriend by my side and a guy i consider my brother, even though we're not related by blood. it's an inexplicable feeling. i'd like to be able to shake it off, but i can't.

i can't understand why i feel this way, i don't understand the meaning of it.

i wish i could go to a psychologist and start therapy, but i don't have the money to do so.

in the end, i have few friends, but i feel completely alone and misunderstood by everyone.

i'm sorry for my bad writing, english isn't my first language.

-Cloud