chasing success or chasing mundanity

ever since I was a kid I've always had dreams of grandeur, of "making it" in life. in time, the definition of making it got muddier and muddier, from simply being famous, to having lots of money, to achieving a high status, to something I now can't accurately define myself. growing up, however, also made me think about how really important chasing success is versus chasing mundanity, enjoying life in its simplest form and how the both can't ever walk together. I'll make a case for both of these later on, but first some context is needed.

I was a gifted child, which was both a blessing and a curse. I had to put in relatively low effort to perform in school (although I could only perform in subjects I enjoyed) yet never really learned how to study, and since children can be extremely cruel I was made fun of and somewhat bullied, though I fortunately never was heavily bullied - just made to feel like a loser, which led to isolation. It also made me an outcast up until high school (and to this day, in many regards, I still feel like an outcast), but thankfully it was there I met a lot of people who shared my interests and it made me break out of my shell a bit, to the point I became the regional rep for my school.

being a gifted child (and maybe having undiagnosed asperger's - perhaps the two are related?) meant I would bring my interests to obsession, something that really helped me as I studied computer science in high school and I really enjoyed computers in my younger age which meant I was already a decent programmer, so passing with flying marks was a breeze. to this day I still turn my interests into obsession, which helps me at work but also impacts my work/life balance.

in the company I used to work for, far smaller than the one I work in now (by a factor of 100), I was a middle manager. I walked into my current company with clear goals to my boss: team management. to become a manager in such a big company would be a massive achievement for me, but I already know I'd be satisfied for a month, two, maybe three, yet I'd quickly yearn for more. the only reason I joined this new company was chasing success. I had to move 600km away from my birth place, step into a new city I'd never been in, live a new life, leave friends and family and love behind (though I'm still back home two weeks a month thanks to remote work, so it could definitely be worse). yet I did it for no other reason than chasing that spark, I didn't care about the money, didn't care about the benefits, the welfare, the city itself. I just needed that rush. it made me think about all the things I'm missing: birthdays, days out with friends, time with my girlfriend, time with my family. all in the name of what? self satisfaction, because that's all it is in the end. holding that idea of status, at the price of time and life. I love my job, I love what I do, I obsess over it, yet sometimes I wonder if it's worth the sacrifice.

I'll probably stop going back home every month once my girlfriend finishes her degree. the idea of living together and keeping my dream job is amazing, yet it would still mean moving 600km away from any sort of familiarity, having no real contact with friends and family, missing out on everything.

will I reach the grandeur I've been chasing? yeah. it's just a matter of time. but the cost is high, and sometimes I wonder: is it worth chasing?

I could move back home. I could move back to my home town. I wouldn't earn the same money, it would probably spell the end of the dreams of grandeur (as no company the size of the one I work in exists in my home town), yet I could enjoy the time with my family, I could go out with my friends again, I could have someone to rely on instead of being alone, I could have that mundane I'm missing now. and yet, I know I would forever feel the weight of the future I'd miss. perhaps though that weight would be lifted knowing I still had my family and my friends with me.

I know that moving in the future will mean missing every moment. no more birthdays with my family, no more christmas every year, no going to dinner with my parents, no more seeing my friends for a beer. I'll miss time with my parents, who obviously won't be around forever. will I regret not spending more time with them? absolutely. work, money, status, success - how much do all these things really matter in life?

success and mundanity are two opposite ends of a line, and yet one day I'll have to pick a side.

any side will forever leave me unsatisfied.