12/20/2021

Hey everyone, I hope everyone's day was worth something today, because mine was not. They say "look good, feel good", that was not true today. I woke up, got dressed for work, and it was a 100% shit show. 

So, I do training and quality for a bigger company that specialized in energy. Currently, we are hiring like crazy, as in, I have been training a new group of 2-5 people every week since August. This week, I was not supposed to have anyone start... but of course, my luck would be that my boss didn't care enough about me to keep his promise, lets call him... Chad. Since Chad didn't give a f*ck, I had a new person start today. Well, my luck would be that she didn't show up. I was low-key happy haha. I was thinking "wow, finally I get 2 weeks to breathe." IN FACT, that was a lie. She will be starting this Wednesday. 2 days before Christmas. I have to train her of 1-2 weeks worth of training in 1.5 days. What's really upsetting is that he doesn't care. To him, I am expendable, even though I am the only Training and Quality person.... I started this line of work at my company. Couple that with being excluded from meetings that he is having regarding "Leadership" is showing me that he does not see me as leadership at all. To him, I am just some random kid that he wishes would quit. To Chad, I say, F*ck ya life, Bing Bong! 

Other than that, I was just really moody. I am usually a Monday person, but not today. What was nice, was that I got to see some friends for dinner. Today was her "Divorce" party. Of course, this bring up the fact that I am still married. (yeah, I was married previously. It didn't work out btw) It was really nice seeing them and their family, but it made me think a few things: Am I doing well today? No. Am I being the best I can be? No. Do I think that people actually care about me? No. Lately, I have felt more alone than ever. This is probably what stemmed into my frustration earlier. 

Being honest, I have never felt needed or wanted. I don't know what that emotion is supposed to feel like. My first wife, she saw me as a stable guy with a penis that would satisfy her for the moment. My Friends see me as the young kid, so it's hard to relate with me on things that they need. I don't know what it's like to worry about a kid, or worry about major life choices. My friends at work, they don't really need me. To them, I am someone they see everyday, so we are friends. Kinda like High School. Welcome to ACUUHS, ACharles UnUnified School District. Population: barely 1. 

Good thing, I am very good at hiding my emotions. No one suspected anything today, Not that I am not doing good, or that lately, I've been feeling... helpless. Tomorrow is a new day though. Every Morning I make myself a promise: I will make sure that every moment I spend today, is spent meaningfully and that I will come home at the end of the day. I owe it to future me to keep pushing. I need to show past me that the troubles we went through were not for nothing, and I need to encourage myself now to make the changes to be a better person. 

I know this one is kinda short, but as we go along, I will make them more and more interesting haha. Again, welcome to the shit show. 

Cheers, to the beers to tomorrow and to the glasses from yesterday.