Vanity and Self indulgence will save you.

A bold title, I know, one that can be taken in several negative ways, but allow me to clarify. 

What will it save you from? 

From planting your feet into dry, miserable soil from which you'll never move again.

Imagine that your mind is a garden, and then ask yourself, how often do you tend to it? Has it become overrun with weeds and brambles? 

All of us have them, horrible thoughts and urges that bleed through the cracks of our psyche and taint the edges of our minds until we become trapped by tunnel vision. The seeds of insecurity are planted within us at a very young age and sprout gradually as we grow. If such doubts are consistently watered with attention, then they become unmanageable. They twist into a thicket barbed with thorns that block your path and demand to be seen. If you try to march right through them, then you'll be met with pain.

These plants are paracidic in every sense. Born from impulsive assumptions that now feel like second nature after being exposed to an ugly world that prioritises the palatable, in addition to being around those who would drop everything to point out your every flaw and remind you that you should be insecure.

That you shouldn't move, and stay still while your garden grows teeth. 

All while your self-hatred becomes fertiliser for their own greedy plants, confirming in their mind that there is an order that puts them at the top, which they maintain by dragging you down. Nothing fruitful blooms on unfertile soil, so if your thoughts are absorbing your self-worth, no flowers will grow for you, and in comparison, their alloments seem all the more plentiful. 

They seem better than you, like they have more, like they are worth more, like they are more. 

But these people are flesh and bone just like you, and beneath every artificial petal hides barbs that run twice as deep. Beautiful people with beautiful gardens do not salt the earth for others, and only those who want to bury their own insecurities beneath the surface resort to such lows.

That is what ugliness is. 

Withering others just to feel vindicated against your own creeping weeds that are slowly pulling you under. Carnivorous and demanding, a tainted garden can only be fed by cruelty, but the flowers that grow here only smell of rot. They aren't worth keeping; they aren't worth anything.

So what do we do? What is the answer?

Vanity in and of itself is frowned upon because, like everything, it can be harmful in excess, but can it be managed? Absolutely, with fine pruning.

Some may tell you that loving yourself is indeed a necessity, one that can be achieved meekly by smiling through your heartache, or some might claim it to be a sin, that humility is the mark of a person who is worthy of happiness. Either way, they rarely offer you anything tangible to work with, and so I will offer you this. 

You are worthy of flowers, but you must let them bloom in a garden in which you exist without apologising for it. 

To purge the rot, your garden must become an altar, built primarily for yourself, where misery cannot leave offerings.

And misery will try, believe me. There will be days in which you will open your eyes and find those neat little bundles of self-doubt and insecurity waiting for you, but we leave them in the grass without sparing them a sideward glance.

It starts slowly.

First, accept that your garden is currently withered and it will take time to restore, such is the nature of this process. When you begin, the soil will be barren and cold, but little by little, you'll notice positive thoughts in passing, like seeing daisies in the corners of your eye. 

Just as we cannot force a tree to burst from the earth, we cannot force positivity upon ourselves. Be patient, nature takes back all things that are neglected in time.

Perhaps you might notice only one, at first, a small fleeting thought that grows so fragile against jagged terrain, and you will be tempted to rip it out by the root - because how could anything so beautiful be allowed to exist within a place so warped and unruly? Resist the urge, water your flowers, and allow them to be.

You are worthy of flowers.

You are worthy.

You simply are.

Do not fall victim to insecurity in hopes of appearing humble; it is not good for you. 

Value all that you do and all that you are, in a way that brings you peace, indulge in this, for you deserve it. This is not hubris, this is not arrogance, this is establishing your own self-worth on your own terms, acknowledging your own beauty as a human being does not negate the beauty of others.

We encourage others to grow, even when silent. We celebrate those who love themselves but do no harm. We commend ourselves as we would those around us.

Each day, a new flower grows within my garden; a thought, a promise, a glimpse of growth, and each day I water it by allowing it to exist. No longer do I wince when I look in the mirror, because now my eyes are not fixed upon my every flaw; they see past the brambles and admire the dancing petals beneath my skin.

Life is spurring within this ribcage of mine, between moss-coated bones, I feel myself expanding. I do not grasp at sunbeams to steal them all for myself; I step into them willingly and let my insides bloom with a sigh of relief. 

My growth is beautiful. 

As is my garden.

As am l.

And I will never allow myself to become rooted to dead earth ever again.