My gender identity/expression journey

I was going to make this blog post about how I ought to stop shaving my body and face for my personal preference and gender expression, but I think I'd like to share my gender journey so far, kind of just for funsies, but also to give other people on SpaceHey who are similarly on a quest on finding themselves another perspective. I've organized this blog post the best I can by gender identity phase.

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Circa 13 years old - Female

I was assigned female at birth (AFAB), and I didn't have many childhood experiences that suggested any discomfort in being a girl. The only remarkable thing at the time I realized was that I was into Five Nights at Freddy's and coding, which I found to be more predominately male interests (from the content I consumed). That didn't shake me any way, though.

I'd like to add as a footer that I was able to find a Scratch project published 2018 celebrating Pride Month. Holy shit, the second-hand embarrassment is abysmal. Like, actually blood-draining. A lot of my projects made me look like an intellectual know-it-all at the ripe age of 11, and I am not proud of it. I'll leave out any more details, but if you manage to find the project, no you didn't. :^)

12 years old - Demigirl

This was when I still didn't really understand LGBTQ terms. Once I noticed that I usually acted like a girl but sometimes not, I thought I was demigirl. Nothing more to note here, but I think this is where my view on gender started to shift.

13-15 years old - Nonbinary and many other enby labels

In 2020, blah blah pandemic blah blah social media rise blah blah blah...

2020 really had a grip on me, from online classes being really hard to focus on which resulted in nearly failing, to using TikTok as an escape and new feed. I was in the perfect demographic to end up on the 2020 alt side of TikTok, which probably sent me into a deeper depression and only got reinforced from all the positive destigmatization I saw on the daily of people living with mental illnesses.

TikTok formally introduced me to the LGBTQ community, and I think this started my use of gender identity as some sort of neo-expressionism. I'd say I'm nonbinary one month, then bigender the other, dabbled into genderfluid a bunch, but during this, nothing seemed too right.

15-16 years old - Transgender

For a little over a year, I settled on being a transgender man. While I outwardly expressed my comfort with the label, I primarily chose it because it was the most "socially accepted" in my eyes, and I thought the less confusing my label was for people who aren't as familiar with LGBTQ identities, the more convenient I'd become. I felt a similar way when I identified as nonbinary at some point, but overall, I prioritized how others would've perceived me, and not me perceiving myself.

Major red flag, since anyone (including the person reading this) should choose labels that fit them and not depending on how "mainstream" the label is. But being transgender proved its own challenges, and this led me to having a few dilemmas, namely going to public restrooms and looking "man enough."

17 years old and now - Genderqueer woman

Once I turned 17, I kind of had an epiphany. I noticed that I actually was quite fine being biologically female, and I do take pleasure in womanhood. But sometimes, I do have times where my essence feels more masculine, both feminine and masculine, or neither. It's as if my gender expression and only some aspects of my gender identity fluctuated on a two-axis chart (feminine to masculine, binary to nonbinary). That's when I found the term genderqueer, and initially, the definition (or lack of a concrete one) confused me.

But over time, as I tried out the label, I soon came to love how diverse what genderqueer really meant. It's not only a way to express gender identity, but gender expression as well. And how I came to label myself as genderqueer was when I found that others used genderqueer as more of a descriptor rather than simply an identity. That's when I knew I was a genderqueer woman.

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I personally believe that once someone starts to explore their gender, their gender journey goes on until they die. Maybe in a few months, years, or decades from now, I can be a totally different person. I'm glad I evolved into the person I am today though, outside of gender stuff! I've grown more independent and confident in myself, and I've learned to become more in tune with my body, wants, and needs.