new memory

I have a hard time remembering a lot of my childhood but the vibes of this site helped me remember a tiny little memory.

when I was junior I remember some of the freshmen kids talking about some girl. They called her creepy because she made a video of herself stabbing an apple and licking the knife afterwards. I remember thinking how silly that was. I was writing  horrifying things I wanted to do to people and drawing myself hurting myself and others and these kids were scared of a girl stabbing an apple.

Somehow at that time, I still convinced myself that I was fine. I felt like I was faking being insane somehow. That even though I had all these crazy thoughts that I was "doing it for attention".

I've gone to therapy. A lot of therapy. I'm feeling a lot better. Its interesting how you can convince yourself your faking being hurt even when your leg is snapped in half. I obviously wasn't ok and everyone I knew also knew I wasn't ok, but I still thought I was being dramatic. It took me a long time to realize it wasn't actually a faze. I was actually mentally ill, being hurt, and needed help. So sometimes just give the "attention seeker" the time of day. Sometimes there's a reason they need your attention.