addiction & my self identity

i've been a smoker for most of my life, i've tried to quit multiple times with varying degrees of failure. there was a time where i'd smoke over a pack a day, but im confident those times are behind me now (for the foreseeable future, at least).

why haven't i managed to quit though? i cant speak for any other type of addiction, but this is what i feel is the issue for me in regards of smoking. maybe it's your case, too.

i initially thought, just like many others, that i wasn't addicted to nicotine, but to the act itself of smoking: stepping out, taking a cigarette out of its pack, lighting it and feeling the initial burn. kind of like a ritual.

i then stepped to vaping, and couldnt get the same mental kick i got out of cigarettes. again, this reinforced my idea of being addicted to the ritual of smoking. i forced myself to vape (both for health & athletic performance) and reduced the craving for cigarettes, yet the addiction was still there. 

then again, i thought the difference was in the shape of the tool. so i bought a cigarette-sized vape, yet the addiction was still there. thats when, talking to a colleague at work, it hit me: i am addicted to nicotine in whichever form it enters my bloodstream. at that point, i decided i would make an attempt to properly quit - the longest i'd managed before was a whole 3 months before relapse.

given that i'm smoking while typing this entry, i've obviously failed :)

why?

because i dont feel like myself when im not smoking.

its a weird feeling, but i dont feel as mentally sharp as i usually do. i heavily rely on my neuroplasticity and general brainpower (both in my personal life & at work), so not feeling that same speed in my thinking, feeling mentally sluggish & foggy is really unbearable. setting aside the general irritability (which goes away after a week or so), it also changed the way i thought in a way i dont like. i would begin thought processes and end up with conclusions that would borderline self sabotage, that thankfully i was only able to avoid because i have good friends to talk to who challenge me instead of just saying what pleases me.

however, the mental performance act is exactly the reason for my latest major relapse (i've been trying to quit on and off these last months, yet the most i've managed has been 3 days on average). i got to 3 weeks (i think?) and then got a major project at work that had to be finished. it wasnt stressful, i didnt have a strict deadline, but it certainly wasnt an easy nor unimportant task. yet i couldnt wrap my head around it. i just couldnt mentally create the path i needed to complete the project, so i decided to buy a single-use vape pen as a "tool", a "brain booster". and it worked amazingly, i could think clearly, i was sharp and focused and i was addicted again.

is my self identity is rooted in my addiction? is my personality a product of nicotine? are all my mental capabilities just to attribute to nicotine?

obviously the answer to these questions is a strong, powerful no, yet i dont have the strength to prove it.