SOS, Send Cupid

I love unrequited love.

I was and still am absolutely terrified of relationships. I don't know why, I just am. Anytime a crush is mutual and starts developing into something real I feel like I'm drowning. Every text, every sweet word or stolen glance makes it feel like I'm gulping for air whilst being sixteen feet underwater. I always end it after a week, at most two. I cant last any longer. I don't want to rely on someone, I don't want them to rely on me. I don't want to have sex. But unrequited love? Oh its the sweetest thing ever. A friend who insists she's straight although we make out every time we get drunk, a boy in my class who may have a girlfriend? That's what loving is about. I have no chance so there is no fear eating away at my insides. This way I can almost convince myself that I'm a real person. This way I can love, I can dream of not being lonely. I can feel that warmth in my chest then they sit next to me. I can tell myself oh so many pretty lies. Every song is about them. And I'm normal, a normal human person with real human person emotions. 

I feel like no one would get this. At best they would call me a masochist or say I'm not grown up enough yet. Most people are so normal and so good at loving. It comes natural for them. People say they are bad at love then they fall for someone who isn't their person. They don't think of people like this. Who cant love at all. Sometimes I think I would rather take a toxic relationship instead of this terrifying and real possibility of dying alone.

P.S.

If you see Cupid in the next couple weeks, please send him my way.

Yours truly Kigi