I will die a woman

Trigger warning: gender dysphoria

I will die a woman. I will always be a woman. I will be always seen as a woman and no one else.

Womanhood hurts. The fact I will always be a woman hurts. My chest will get bigger. My hips will get wider. My body will get petite. My voice will get higher. Everyone will look at me and say 'look at that pretty girl'. They won't understand the pain I feel. They won't understand how much I hate myself for being a woman. I was meant to be born a woman. No one else. It hurts. 

I don't want to be a woman. I want to be anyone, anything, but a woman. I feel uncomfortable in a woman body. I hate this body. This body is not mean to be born. It should be dead. It should rot. I want to mutilate this body. I want to mutilate myself. It feels wrong. I feel wrong. I wasn't mean to hate this body. I was meant to love and be proud of it. Why do I feel like this? What is wrong with me? Am I crazy?

I try too much to not look like a woman. I wear different clothes. I have different character. I make my voice different. I hide my body. I try anything just to not be seen as a woman. Aren't I pathetic? I know and I understand everyone will see me as a woman. I just don't want to appreciate it. I want to reborn. I want to reborn as someone else. 

My family is against people who want to reborn as someone else. I should be like them, right? I can be like this only against myself. I support people who want to reborn as someone else. I understand people who want to be seen as someone else. I don't understand myself. I don't understand why do I feel like this. My parents will be disappointed if I tell them about how I feel. They will realize their daughter is actually not a daughter. They will cry. I don't want them to cry. Instead, I cry.

Maybe I deserved that. Maybe the pain is deserved. But what did I expect? I hate my body knowing I shouldn't hate it. That's why I feel all the suffer. I deserved that. Every tear I shed. Every panic attack I had. It is all deserved.

I need to realize that my body is true. My body is pure. My body is beautiful. Nobody will have the same body as me. My body is one and only. I can't change it. If I tell anyone about my feelings, I will be seen as a monster. I am not a monster. I am a woman. I should be happy. I should be a happy woman. I should thank my mother for giving a birth to such pretty woman like me.

I will die a woman. I will never be a man.