Maybe I'm bad at best friends.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll have someone to call a best friend ever again. I've had people I really care about and I still do but things always fade away you know? And it leaves me wondering if I'm just not meant to have that sense of closeness with someone again. I really need someone to really connect with, someone I can lean onto when things get rough, someone I can always count on no matter what, someone who hears me out but I'm scared of letting anyone in, I'm also scared of getting too close because it's not something I'm really used to honestly. It’s confusing to want closeness and at the same time be afraid of it, and sometimes it just feels like I'll never figure it out.

What if I care too much and they leave me once again? What if I get hurt again? The thought itself makes me nervous, it scares me. It feels like a loop I can’t escape, wanting closeness but also being afraid of it. Maybe someone out there gets this, or maybe I'm just overthinking everything like usual. That’s why the thought of having a best friend again scares me so much. I have friends, but I don’t think I could ever call any of them my best friend, they’re just close friends.

And then there’s my ex-best friend. We ended things on bad terms almost three years ago, and even though we said we were besties, it never really felt like it. She was toxic, and I could never rely on her for anything, but I couldn’t leave her. We were inseparable, and it still hurts sometimes. I still remember the day she said she thinks we don’t get each other the way we used to. And I do agree that I was wrong sometimes, and I'm still sorry for that, I'm sorry for being childish too. But it still hurts that she just our threw eleven years of friendship out the window like it meant nothing to her, just because she found someone else, just because she thought we didn't get eachother the same. I feel awful that I still cry over it sometimes even though she wasn’t a good friend to me. We still spent time together, and I miss that, and I hate that I feel that way. It feels like I haven’t moved on yet, and I don’t know how to make peace with it.