(#1) i think i need help

i can't believe this is going to be my first entry here.

these past few weeks have been exhausting and irritating. my school life is fairly normal; i get piled up with a bunch of schoolwork and i get stressed out over it like a normal high schooler would, but that stress turns into something else when i get home. my family is... irritable. when one person gets mad, another person gets mad until everyone in our house becomes mad. i'm used to it, but my anger feels different nowadays.

i get recurring thoughts of hurting a family member when they raise their voice at me. it used to be an intrusive thought, but now it feels impulsive. i almost raised a hand at my elder not so long ago, but i was able to stop myself and instead let my anger out when i was finally alone in my room. i'm scared of myself now because i swear i almost did the same thing to my younger sibling. the strangest thing about all of this is that i rarely get thoughts of doing the same when someone outside my home (like a classmate) gets on my nerves. 

i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i've cried and cried a lot to cope with this feeling, but i just feel so disgusted with myself. i tried telling my mother about this, and she basically told me to just ignore any problems/arguments that anyone in the family starts, because they're going through stuff too.

i guess the best thing that i can do right now is to just focus on school and start barricading my door when someone starts screaming again.

that's all i have for today. might take a while for me to make another blog entry.
thanks for reading :]