Bullet4

At this point I have accepted that as a man there will always be parts of me violent and disturbing. When you grow up being taught that to be a man means violence, you become it. You feel emasculated without it. Manhood is immature, manhood is petty. Manhood is fragile because it isn't real, instead it's a societal expectation you die without. A lot of us are simply not strong enough to be the effeminate man. So what is keeping me from beating up other kids the way I did in public school? Or really do something drastic? Getting into heaven, I guess. I'm already worried. If I killed myself, it'd be a sin, wouldn't it? Murder. If I killed my stepdad. All those things would make me feel better in theory, but I've been scared of hell my whole life. Religion is the only thing I can cling to. I guess for a lot of other people too, it gives reason. It's something to devote your life to. As humans we're made to worship, to devote. It can be a lover, an object, or God. Even if God doesn't love me, the way so many transphobes have tried to tell me before, it's something to keep me sane.