My brain is to love as a Scientist is to a Cosmic Horror

Alt Title: Hopeless Romantic doesn't act on love because of his anxiety!!! Weather at 10 

[ranting a bit + not like my recent posts but i wanted to put it somewhere]

Uni is starting which i great, I'm making friends. Getting adjusted to the city and my classes and my yearly crush season starts up again like it's my new years resolution  And it drives me insane fucking time. Because why. Why am i noticing things about people. Eyes, smiles, features or habits. Why is my brain fixating on such things. Then my wonderful brain cuts in, every single time

'no stupid its not a crush its just cause their face is recognisable and you see these people every week'. 

And often tries to rationalize brief crushes be that friends, classmates or people I haven't formally meet but they're in my class.

'No loser you just want to be friends with them cause they seem cool lol go talk to them normally?' 

That or I break down my own history with romance + relating romance to the rest of my life

"you could just be wanting a relationship since its been 2 years since your last one."
"what are the chances you act like a dumbass while in a relationship"
"it'd be weird to try and flirt cause we see each other so often if it goes wrong"
"you're in the middle of lot of responsibilities is it a good time to be talking to someone like that??" 

and then i explode and do nothing. because my brain is ourabouras when it comes to love. 

 As much as I want something like that in my life, I do not want to waste someones time because I'm not ready for a relationship. Am i over my previous relationship? Yes. Do i feel like I've grown since then?  Also yes, in those 2 years I had a good senior year, I went to therapy, got the help I needed and learned tools to help with those issues after I had to stop going. 

Plus dating nowadays is really. strange. I am not getting a dating app for one. also just with what people expect with certain characteristics or "red flags" associated with certain things. 

- I listen to radiohead but not in a "male manipulator, name five songs" way. 
- 'm trans but I am not your fucking femboy gtfo.
- I like dressing up & having accessories. No I don't want to detransition
- and i promise i'm not a perfomative male guys i just like key chains and i could tell you the reason and meaning behind each one if you asked guys please. ughhhhh dksjfjsd 

I don't know if I should try and put myself out there for love or just see if it finds me??? The yearning is killing me. sedate me now

not the best idea for our schedule nor wallet right now '. 'but it would be nice to get to know someone like that to kiss someone again'. 

then i go work on my art projects because what else am i gonna do, thx for reading my dumbass rant