Failed attempt

Chat I failed so I guess that's good.i kinda didn't think much cuz I just wanted everything to stop,when I did start thinking about things it was how he changed and something he said during the fight argument the truth what ever u wanna call it played over and over and I started to hope that he doesn't fall for her just cuz she's sucking him off cuz the old him didn't care just about that,he even said he didn't want to but his mom is making him and he said he doesn't know where his head or heart or feelings are and that they aren't in the right place and he also said well she does what she wants til I'm 18 so I can't do anything.he turns 18 in in kinda a month on Nov 5 and I had plans to just give him attention all day like he wanted awhile ago then while I was under the influence of the pills still don't know what they were,I asked him if I failed can we be cool he said yes and I stupidly asked if I fail does he think we can try again he said idk and all I could think in that was why can't I be first and how he used to say that maybes means yes and all I wantedwas him cuz I let him become my safe space and I had told him before I don't let myself get attached cuz something always and he understood cuz he also had similar issues and when I finally let myself he was fine with it and then this happens.and it's like he admitted he loves me he admitted this is his mom and idk if I'm ever gonna get him back and I'm more sad and crying cuz he's lost and his mom is making him do this but at the same time hes getting his shit sucked so I don't think he cares about that idk I just why.and then I bawled cuz if I die my mommy is gonna cry.im just tired of everything.im tired