sat. morning

the places that you want to take from me i don't care about (a film of jaeger makes anyone blind to your face and the room is crowded enough for me to keep to the other side) but you gave him his silver pieces and now you got all of their fingers to point at me — et tu, brutè? — so maybe i shouldn't have tried after all and just forgotten about you.

i chose my side and god knows you did too, even though he sees someone you're not. is this worth it to you? i never want to get puritanical but sometimes i feel like we are tempted too easily by pleasure. is it so much to ask for that you stick to your principles? and i know they think i wanted you when i didn't because i guess it's impossible to be concerned about a friend, but that's what's always happened with me, hasn't it. a stupid girl with a heart that doesn't work and can't stop mixing up and crossing boundaries, so it's best if i just keep back and far and don't even try because inevitably i'll love too hard or not enough and say too much or too little, or what i think is normal will actually grow and roll out of control.

so any way you paint it that's how it shakes out, marbles tumbling out of the sack and they clack against each other, over and over, that sound like heels on hospital tile or bowling ball thrown overhead until one of them splits. and i guess it's my turn this time.

- mar.