yapping about my first love...

I'm kind of looking to start dating since idk i haven't been interested in anyone since high school ig but i honestly hate any dating apps. I've heard from some friends that it works, some of them are even dating people they met on tinder, etc. But i feel like that kind of social interaction is not for me.

I'm also VERY selective. I kind of have a crush on a classmate but i want to avoid getting involved with people from uni. I'm just too complicated and i hate it. However i am also waiting for someone to be interested in me because i got tired of always being the one to ask somebody out, i'd rather have someone ask me to avoid getting rejected LMAO

I am an adult now but back then in high school i had two experiences and they were horrible. The first one was not that bad because there weren't any romantic feelings involved, we were sixteen, 2022 first year of school after the pandemic, the guy was way too shy. Once i told him that he called my attention, he said i was cool so i asked him if we could get to know each other better. He kept answering my texts without ever telling me that he was already seeing somebody (his current girlfriend lol) and i got mad because i had my hopes up thinking i could've had a chance with him but whatever, i got over him really fast but the other one... 

The other one was a friend of mine, we grew closer than we were before the pandemic, he was also kinda close with my best friend so i hung out with him more often. We used to be together every party. Talking, sharing drinks, WE USED TO SMOKE FROM THE SAME CIGARETTE so i say we basically kiss, just kidding, but we had something, we were good friends, he told me about his experiences dating and his problems, we chatted about our future, i used to advice him a lot and he thank me for that. I tried to send him signals but i was kind of a coward, i never actually told him that i was in love with him, i didn't feel ready to say it and i guess i didn't say anything because i didn't want to lose our friendship. I was pretty sure he wouldn't like me back because as far as i knew he liked girls, but oh god i tried hard to get his attention even with the slightest touch of our knees when we sat next to each other and me finding any situation to touch him ( that sounds creepy), like that one time that i asked him if i could take off his rings just to touch his hands. I was a dumb seventeen year old but i think i suffered for him. I saw him kiss the girls, the two i met were totally different from me. When he started dating we lost contact, he pushed me away, he barely looked at me when we were at school, the only occasions he talked to me was at parties to ask me for cigarettes. I loved him and that's why now i can hate him, but i miss him too. I never had the closure i needed and i guess i'll never have it. It makes me feel sad every time i think about it but life goes on and there's nothing i can do now.