just my vent about relationships and fear

hey blog, this is probably gonna be more of a vent. i'm feeling kinda bad about myself, questioning who i am, how i feel, how i love. i think i'm kinda suffocating sometimes — a bit fast, a bit intense. i don't want to be like that, but when i realize it i end up doing it again.

i'm scared it'll happen again. sometimes i don't get anything. for me i'd rather do "get to know each other, like each other, date, and then get to know each other deeply — and if it goes wrong, it goes wrong" than "get to know each other, like each other, know each other super deeply first and if it goes wrong, split before dating." i like commitment, i like giving myself to someone (in a healthy, reciprocal way of course). dating is also a phase of getting to know someone — it's not an engagement, you know. but not everyone thinks like that. she doesn't.

sometimes i think she regrets starting to date me, like she went with the impulse or just rode the wave — like it was an accident. i'm scared. tomorrow she's supposedly coming back from college with me to meet my parents, but after today's talk i don't know if she'll still want to (even though the chat was just about organizing time, friends and dating, i feel like she's afraid to open up).

screw it — i love her, i respect her, i'll treat her with love, in my own way and adjusted so i don't suffocate her. i want this to work. am i scared? yeah. but that's not gonna make me give up on anything.

(while i'm writing this i'm listening to "song on the beach" by arcade fire and i'm about to cry lol)