on men, friends, objectification and gender

 it's been a while since i posted anything here.

lately ive been on a search to make new friends, since i lost most of my friends from highschool after it ended. this took me to places like discord (yeah that was my first mistake). in 2024 i got romantic confessions from two men who were very close to me. at that time, my reactions used to be intense and hard to control, i would feel deeply betrayed by someone i thought i had a very pure friendship with, my first confession from that year was specially hard to face since my friendship with that guy (irl) was one of the reasons i ended a relationship i was in, so knowing that in the end all he actually wanted from me was what my partner had been warning me about hit me really really hard. the other confession i got ended up in a very heated argument, I didn't cry, i just felt disgusted. i felt disgusted that I couldn't come to a true friendship with a man no matter how much effort i put into it. no matter how much i wanted to keep it that way.

in this month ive already gotten two confessions. the first one wasn't as meaningful to me since i had only known this guy for a week (?????). but that only meant i managed it quite well and as respectfully as i could.

now, the second one was from someone i actually thought i was starting to be friends with. i was ranting about how i wanted a girlfriend and how this girl i like doesn't like me back and its so hard but im slowly getting over her, and that's when he started getting weird. he asked me what my sexual orientation was, i responded with bisexual not dating men. he didn't get it so i had to explain im not dating men for self preservation. he said "but why if you meet a cool guy" and a weird ass emoji which was actually so disgusting 😭 i told him if i were to catch feelings for a man, I'd simply not act on it. i also told him about me not being really fond of confessions coming from people i consider friends, and thats when he admitted he was going to "join that club". this whole conversation happened because i was already sensing his intentions, so i wanted him to know whatever he wanted with me wasn't gonna happen and i wanted to keep it friends. but honestly, when he said that, my heart really sunk... i tried not giving it too much importance, but when the night came i couldn't help but cry, i cried a lot. i felt like an object. i asked myself why i couldn't meet someone who would see me as a human and as a friend rather than a sexual target. 

you may be asking why it seems like i only ever try to make friends with men. the truth is I don't, ive made some nice female friends lately and they're the overwhelming majority in the list of my long time connections, my issue stems from the fact that today i have three very nice male friends who ive known for YEARS and have never approached me in a romantic or sexual manner, which makes me realize that a friendship with a man IS truly possible, and only makes me more frustrated that I can't find that anymore. i know i can make friends with girls all the time (which is a whole problem of its own when im actually looking for something romantic with them) so im not so worried about that.

i also got a sexual insinuation in between these two confessions. which only made it worse.

but yes. i felt like an object. i felt disgusting in my body. I hadn't even face revealed to any of these men (except my irl ofc) nor had i given away too much information, nor had i been "seductive" in any way. i was just trying to be friends.

this collided harshly with my gender issues, to the point i went back to that mindset in which i hate being a woman, for a hot minute, while i was sulking in the feeling of impotence and meaninglessness. i skipped an important event because it meant i had to wear a dress, and do my makeup, and wear a bra, and I couldn't do any of that after the way i had been made to feel. like an object of desire with no more depth than that.

maybe im ranting. but i needed to talk this at some point. I couldn't keep it in. im yet to have any conclusions, i only feel more and more drawn away from men after all of this. thank you