im never gonna get better.

TW: this is a vent. it features topics such as suicide, disordered eating, self harm, and more. please don't read if you are sensitive to these topics.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

i remember five years ago, when my mental health first started declining. While obviously worrying, i assumed that it would all be over within a few months, and that it'd just be a weird phase i went through. yet now, i find that nothings changed. in fact, ive only gotten worse; a lot worse. 

i used to cut myself to deal with the typical teenage issues. friend drama, figuring out my identity, school grades, feeling depressed etc. most of thats sorted itself out by now. yet now im cutting myself almost every day, and scars, both fresh and healed, cover both of my arms and legs. whats more, i developed an eating disorder too. i went from anorexia, to b.e.d, to bulimia, and back again. i went from joking about killing myself, to actually considering it, and once even attempting.

 its stupid. ive got no trauma; nothing devastating thats left me like this. its all the consequences of my own actions. i suppose you could blame the development of the ed, and the worsening of s/h on a toxic ex i had. but the thing is; everyone has toxic exs. everyone goes through stuff. people go through stuff thats millions of times worse, and yet they come out completely fine. what makes me so special? why do my tiny issues justify all of this shit? it doesn't! im stuck wallowing in my own misery, purely because im to scared of the other option.

the other option. the way out. the right path. i would stop cutting myself, get my eating back on track, and sort out the other stuff ive got going on. thats what im supposed to be doing. if i did, in a few years this would just be a phase, that i thankfully got over. i certainly have good reason to get better; people are worried about me. my parents spend hundreds of dollars just to send me to a therapist. i only need to put in my own effort, and then it would all be okay. so why dont i? i dont know, i dont think i want to get better. theres comfort in the suffering that ive subject myself too for the last 5 years, and life would feel empty without it. for example, i base every day around what i eat, whether its restricting or bingeing. it gives me something to fill the void, comfort, and a way to have control. if i ever got better, and ate more normally, what would i spend all day thinking about? it seems almost unimaginable. 

okay then. i guess ill never get any better, and that ill always be like this. i guess ill grow up, and ill still be starving, bingeing, and cutting myself as a 40 year old. that sounds unappealing, doesnt it. my solution for that is that ill kill myself when im an adult, but i dont think i will. i swore up and down that id be dead by 15, yet here i am, with only one measly attempt that involved huffing deodorant at 4am until i had a seizure. yuck.

anyway thats it. i think i should learn when to shut the fuck uup.