I kind of don't like having a physical body

I don't know how to express this, but having a physical body is kind of a strange experience.

Sometimes I dream that I don't have a real body, like, it's a body, but not the physical kind that holds you to the ground and takes away your freedom. It's the kind that, despite existing, doesn't take up space, there are no bones to weigh on your conscience or a skin that always seems to have something crawling underneath, not a body, but not a soul either. 

Sometimes I wonder if it's been a long time since I had a real body, looked in the mirror and felt like something was taken from me, even though I gained something else in return. This thing doesn't work right, it just doesn't make sense, why do I need to feed it, bathe it, be pleased with it if it takes away everything I need? This is what a physical body represents to me, I've tried to talk to my parents and they called me problematic and ungrateful, they said there are so many people out there wanting a body like mine and I still dare to talk about it like this. I know, I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. Every time someone looks at me, I'm reminded that I can never go home,  and the worst part is that I don't even know where that home is. I can't even look in its direction.

I think this is part of some disorder, but I just can't talk about it with my psychologist, I'm not capable, I'm terrified of being labeled ungrateful or crazy again, or worse, discovering that there is no solution for this eternal feeling of mourning for something I never even knew. I was closer to this "world" when I was a child, but now my "family" has abandoned me and I don't even know what they were, what they looked like, if they ever really existed or if I was just a lonely child.

Well, that's it:)