happier blog for happier days [20]

HELLO this is 20,
OMGGGGG, 20??? that's crazy! how have you beenn? I've been doing better, which I didn't expect in the slightest, but I'm welcoming it so much.

  positive blog for our 20th blog! I know the last couple have been really sad n' all.. but things turned around a bit. it's crazy to think how a shitty event made my life a bit better. before we get into the good stuff I want to talk about what's been happening a bit. me and my dad fought on the weekend. I've had a lot of hate building up for him for the past couple years so it obviously had to boil over at some point. he's that type of person that will keep prying at things when no one wants him to. he'll keep prying till he hears what he wants and if he doesn't he'll yell at your face for it. he'll get real close too, to the point you want to just slap him for daring to yell at you in your face, but you don't because unlike him you can control yourself. anyways, I yelled at him back, screaming how much I hated him, yet somehow he wants me to fix it all, and "sharpen up". he the type of person to force an apology out of you because he feels bad about himself. he doesn't know how the world works yet he's in his 50's, ironic isn't it. my wonderful mother somehow convinced him to leave me the fuck alone even tho I know it wont last forever. sadly, he'll start shit all over again, at least for now, maybe just for this week I hope not tho, I don't see him at all. I stay in my room all morning till he leaves. just kinda sucks how I don't eat in the morning anymore. I normally don't eat much till 3 or 4 pm in the afternoon. (even then I don't feel like eating.. so I just wait for dinner..) the thought of having small talk with him (which turns into 20 questions) makes me want to punch something so I'd rather just avoid it.

  besides all that this week has been good! not seeing him has helped me. yeah sure I still live in this house, but once he leaves my brother is nice company. on the weekends I get to see my mom as well and when I'm with her I realize how great life could be. it's not just when I'm with her though.. I get that feeling when I'm with Logan too. I just feel so alive. myself too. it's the small moments that repeat in your head that just makes me feel all warm inside. it's that feeling of just knowing, you know? (I don't want to outright say it.. I'm too shy.) that relaxation, peace, that comes after thinking about those lovely moments. things aren't where we want to be, but they have to happen right? it gives me hope and some sort of normalcy. I just hope I can give those same feelings back to him. that's why my week has been good though! the past two nights we've just been spending time together and it has really cleared my head. I couldn't be more grateful. it doesn't feel all too bad anymore. we have each other now. I hope to whoever is reading this, you can find your person. I hope you can find that someone you just click with, connect with, that person that doesn't just complete you but makes you more than yourself, who sees you, who understands you, and you'll know when you find them. 

  I can't help but be all sappy sorry!! there's just not much else to talk about sadly. my mind has just been real quiet lately, it's odd. normally it's always going off the walls about something, whether it's with myself, or someone else, something else, but no. I've just been flowing through the days and it's a calming feeling. maybe it's because I'm not eating right that my mind feels so off. I'm not complaining tho, really. I like not thinking myself into a pit anymore.. unlike the last couple of weeks. that just means there's not much to write about sadly. nothing really happens in my life (at least nothing I want to share, just moments, private ones) so my blogs are lack lusters. I know other people talk about their hobbies and stuff, but I've always been bad at that. I've been watching Detroit: Become Human playthroughs again tho! I LOVE THAT GAME wish I had it tho. probably would be one of the only games I would play on repeat. even though I already know what happens in all the different endings, IDCCC I want to play it one daayyyyyy uggghhhh... JUST LET ME WITNESS 28 STAB WOUNDS!!!! Connor is my BOY bro I love Connor so MUCH. I need that jacket.. I need to cosplay him.. he's just so cuuteeeeee.... there's not much else outside of that. honestly there's a reason I don't blog this much bc nothing really happens in my life.. that will change one day I HOPE. one day everyday will be a new story. even boring days will have something to talk about.. I think I've gotten a glimpse of what that could feel like. a small one though it has to be on the up from here.

  one thing I want to talk about is my lack of appetite and I think I figure out why. you know how I've done a lot of research and came to the conclusion I'm probably autistic? well, my lack of appetite has to do with that. I've been slowly demasking more and more which means I'm uncovering more and more symptoms. like how showering feels impossible or even just getting myself to the bathroom. as an autistic person (WHICH I am undiagnosed but I know self-diagnosing is welcome because of the long process of doing so.) it's hard to take care of yourself. I don't know exactly why I just feel so exhausted at the thought. it's that dread of having to go to work or school yet it's just simply brushing your teeth. back on appetite, I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, but our bodies just don't like telling us when we need food or not. I'm always really thirsty tho and growing up I used to always be hungry. it switched. growing up I sucked at drinking anything but juice boxes and I hardly drank. now all I want is water. I could survive on water man.. it's just concerning to me man. it feels like I'm hardly eating and I'm worried about my weight. I haven't checked it in awhile.. I think I will right now.. okay so, when I went to the doctors awhile back I was like 131, now I'm 110. uh. I lost 21 pounds. huh. sometimes I feel like skin and bones which IS REALLY WEIRD. I have so much dysphoria even outside of being transgender it's insane..  

  this body of mine is weird. weirder than most I think. everyday there is a problem with it. my nose doesn't like breathing so everyday there is something wrong with it. my teeth ache a lot and my jaw is too small which makes it hard to talk clearly WHICH SUCKS. no matter what I do my body aches even just by walking for a bit. but brrooo this is my body why am I so upset with it all the god damn time.. there's so much more, but this is a positive blog. I just wish it was more normal without all the aching and WEIRDNESS it does. maybe next blog I'll talk about this.. I feel like I really need to. I'll just talk about all my dysphoria with this body of mine and hopefully it'll get it off my mind.

  oneee last thing, promise. I remember when I first started these blogs I wanted them to be enjoyable, readable, and comprehensible. now though I write for me. I know my writing now isn't the best. it's probably horrible to read, and I get that, but I like rereading it a lot. it's my mind that I've put on the digital page. if you do read these, thank you, you mean a lot to me, even if I probably don't know you.

well, it's a smaller normal blog, but a blog nonetheless! I'll talk more next time,
goodbye everyone, take care, drink something, eat something, and have a good day/night!