feeling shit kinda

hi? this is my first blog entry <kinda nervous>

if you're reading this, hello, i'm zee. I hope you're doing well. I am in my first year of uni and there's things i hate, there's things i love. i hate being seen but i crave for some validation, i care about being relevant yet i hate being noticed, being perceived or being seen. ever since uni started i have been getting some attention, related to my style, my music taste, my talents. i used to be a bullied child(physically as well as verbally bullied) in school and i am not used to whatever attention i get at uni, i feel like i dont deserve it but i do know if i dont receive it i'd feel like "oh, no one knows me, i hate being a loner". Its not like i hate whats happening, i just feel undeserving of it. idk really whats going on. so many assignments, so much drama and its just the 1st semester. i wanna perform at uni. i love being a guitarist but im so scared to take it to class or any event. i hate how unconfident i am and my self esteem is below rock bottom. i dont know if i can ever perform in front of a crowd in my uni or anywhere else but i really want to. i am so scared, i am so shy and i am so scared to approach and talk to people. every friend i have made in college so far are the ones who came to me by themselves. Last year at school was fine and i made a few friends somehow who have been distant since all of us went to our respective unis. it feels like an overall start where i dont know whats happening