SIH and Overwhelming Feeling

Short quick update

I am feeling so overwhelmed,first round of competition is over,our team made it to TOP 30.Losing one mark made us miss the top 20 score,we only have one more round to bag more points and get to top 45.It's so stressful,especially with a team which lacks tech stack skills to work around.So much pressure to integrate frontend and backend with web3 and ML seamlessly,which most work is on research and client POV rather than actual product developers-

I can't bring myself to finish this entire thing,I guess I am exhausted and burnout.It's normal but I just have one and half day left to make things work and I want to be in top 45 among the 100 teams from our college to go to state and national.Don't want few marks difference to be the reason to not make it at top.

Already our vision is better than the folks working on this PS since me and K has knowledge about blockchain.Still quite less time to do all work,let's wish for the best-

I love talking with my bf but all his talks are all about emergencies,patients,diseases,and more,truth to be told,it's fascinating to know about such procedures and cures,how it was handled but I can see his creativity and personality slipping away,no talks about something cool,media,literature,poem,music and hobbies,things that makes us.We don't even do spiritual practices together(tried and failed strategy).My sister,who is 16,had her first experience club experience,like some house party where it was full of cool folks,dancing,drinking,those kind of ambiences.

I never been to such places,let alone that many friends.I am the one at college,but having most monotonous and exhausting college,where I am jumping from project and battling with deadlines with assignment and personal goals for internships,sighs.

These are the times I miss my ex bffs,the one who shared the deep craze in boy bands,ya ik typical,but that was our comfort zone,books,mangas,manhwas,watching cringe films to laugh our heart out and random cringe things

It was an escape from this type of boring sorry life.I don't want to talk about the same things,to listen about nth patients,their issues or talk about this shitty college,attendance and more.I also wanted a friend group,with whom I could re live the life I used to live with GKC and AB (now distant sister and the other one ex bff)

I lost it all,I tried so hard to build it,yet I lost it all.

Now I watch my husband becoming boring as hell,with same talks,how much tired he is and wants to head to sleep.Comforting is sweet but usually I am unstable,it's such a strange situation.As if long distance with it's saturation ain't enough,now it's all about how days went and just trying to calm each other down.

I don't want to live this way anymore.I also want to live the high college life,it's like constant pressure life I am living with so stretch from all over the place.Neither did I get the love story I wanted nor the friends I thought I would have.

It's like no matter what I do,how hard I try to build,I will always live in fearful state of losing it all,of never being able to relax and rest,never a single laid back moment and yet to end up to same places where any average kid who didn't study would be at-

That sinking feeling of unhappiness,of detaching from family,of not finding happiness in relationships and friendships.

Now I just sit here and do intense maladaptive daydreaming,ik how it's bad for mental state but that's the only way I could be happy for slight moments.Imagining the amazing friends I have,a group which we work together with no bias to win everything,a sweet offline relationship full of love and nourishment,full of creativity,stories,sparks and travelling all around the place

I will never fit anywhere,an outcast truly at it's place