Despair In The Mundane

“Hold on tight to this time, this place

‘Cause everything you know will be erased

You were born inside your head

And that is where you’ll be when you are dead”

-Things To Do by Alex Giannascoli

A dying day, the sun falling beneath offset waves of clouds and in front of me an almost picturesque view of man-made structures scraping the orange sea above us. Soon the view got darker and the roads were lit up by faux stars glued onto lines of tall metal towers, “Perhaps having astigmatism isn’t so bad after all” so I thought to myself. The scene from before now no longer looks like the withering end of one point that will restart again when it reaches the next but rather something finite and soon to end. I felt uneasy to think that this is all there is or this is all it is. 

The day was done and soon I’ll close my eyes to move on for tomorrow. That’s how it is but something about this ride back home made me feel…sad. Sad for reasons I couldn’t find even if I tried. Maybe it’s this constant desire I’ve instilled upon myself that I should do something to make myself feel content each day which provokes these feelings of misery but surely comitting to the persistent consumerist values which controls our lives is not the solution I’ve been looking for. Often do I wonder how everyone just seems so satisfied with how everything works when I seem to always beg for more. You could argue that it’s a privilege to even be able to have time to ponder on such thoughts when others constantly think about how they will even survive for the day. 

This leniency I’ve been gifted in life is something to be grateful for and believe me I try to be, for the most part at least and yet here I am whining and going on about futile tangents which mostly mean nothing in the end. It feels existential and almost inherently nihilistic if it wasn’t for the fact that I am religious. Why I feel such a way is hard to puzzle together. While the great suffering of others which I’ve been accsutomed to be severely aware of on a daily basis may play on with these factors of eternal dread I’d like to believe it almost barely or doesn’t correlate here in any way. It has to be something else but what, what could it be that causes this?

It’s easy to say that maybe, maybe I’ve been doomed to feel this way forever in exchange for everything I have now. The doom of disconnect and boundless emptiness in a realm that can be reached within oneself but not others around. Permanent and irrevocable. 

-Statiscit [4:16PM 17/9/2025]