First time in love (and it's killing me)

For context, I'm pretty shy and I don't know how to start a conversation. Even with people I know.

There's this girl, Julia, and fell in love with her.

We met in sixty grade, where we did not interacted at all until the end of the school year, when whe got paired in a table island together with another 2 girls (I'm a trans guy, I didn't know when this happened but I will explain later). I think that, unfortunaly for me, she noticed how annoyed I got when she "flirted" with me (it was very inocent tho) and started to constantly call me her "girlfriend".

I never really gave much importance. I mean, it did in fact annoy me--but I had literally no friends and it was not THAT annoying.

The year passes, I'm now in seventh grade. We all are paired again, in the same way. I didn't had any feelings for her still.

More time passes, we are the middle of the year. Our bond, as a group, is stronger than ever. She still flirting with me, but now it's even more often. There's this new girl too, Ari, she's funny as hell. Julia, which I had no feelings until there, start to get closer to Ari. Now for some reason I start to envy Ari. I don't want them so close!

As more time passes, more I realize how down bad I'm for her.

It's everything ok until one day.

Finally, I can go home. Another girl, Mari (one of Julia's best friends and member of our group) is strangely close to Ari but it's ok. Nothing to get anxious right?

I'm back the other day, at lunch Mari gets me to a corner. She says that she convinced Ari to confess her love to Julia  (now, remebering how there was no comotion for that which is strange knowing these people. It was probably a lie, but why lie to me? Who was supposed to hate Julia? I think Mari knew something).

I was devastaded, my best friend just loved the same girl as me?

I didn't get angry. I mean, she couldn't know! I've never said that to nobody (until now) but still, it was lingering my mind for months.

But after that I actually started observing Julia and Ari relationship. Ari didn't seem to even bother with Julia, which I found strange considering the piece of information I had.

But ok, the year ends and we all go to summer.

I couldn't get Julia out of my head. Her smile, her laugh, her funny way to pronounce some words. God, everything in this girl is perfect.

Summer passes, we are back at school. There are no more table islands for some reason. She's just 3 chairs away from me but we don't talk anymore-- I mean, she greets me and only me but still, even lunch time we do not interact. My feelings are just getting stronger and stronger each day. And her silence kinda hurts me.

Another time skip and now we are few months ago.

It had occured some things while we were at P.E (In differents days)

First, she vents with me. About her mom, her grandma, her birthday. I listen, because I think that's what she needs. I let her touch me while doing so and I hate physical touch but her's different.

Months passes, another P.E. She came with Crocs to the dodgeball, I found it pretty funny tho. But anyways, she doesn't plays and only watches. While I'm waiting for my team turn. She start to get pretty close to me. I'm really nervous and she even lie down next to me. But she says nothing. I found it strange, why would she lie down even tho she wasn't playing?

Now that I told the entire story, I think I can talk about my feelings.

I'm going straight to the point. I fell like a creep, an weirdo (I know my nick is literally Radiobread but It's exacly how Im feeling). I don't have any confidence to go talk to her, what if I mess up? What if she start to think Im a disgusting weirdo? God, and what about my gender. I'm a trans man, which would be great! If I did know her sexuality. What if she likes girls? I mean, I still look like one, but I'm not! And what if she likes boys? I don't look like a boy! I'm out just for my parents but they don't even use the right pronouns! It's so confusing, so excrusiating. I need your people opinions.

So, it was it, thanks for reading until the end.

(I'm not fluent, please excuse any grammatical or spealing error) (I didn't had time to revise tho, It's 10pm and I have to go to sleep so I rushed)