[16/09/2025] Lethargic and melancholic

It feels as though the only things I'm capable of feeling is emptiness or melancholy, a cycle of those feelings going back and forth for a span of about two weeks or a month. I've been like this for years now, since the age of ten, but I find that it's done nothing but get worse, as though it's slowly eating away at me and hollowing me out and won't stop until there's nothing left.

When I feel nothing I have slightly more energy to attempt to mask things. But otherwise, I have nothing but this overwhelming lethargy and a sinking feeling in my chest, an all-consuming misery.

In the past I could somewhat cope by becoming obsessed with something as a distraction -- such as My Chemical Romance and Bungo Stray Dogs -- but I don't even like anything anymore. Sure, I'll say I enjoy something but not really. I have nothing. No matter what I do, who I'm with, there's an underlying sadness which won't stop haunting me.

I know many people would claim my misery is due to some loneliness caused by the fact that I have no friends and haven't in years and rarely leave the house, but it doesn't even feel like that anymore. I know deep down, in my very core, that there is something deeply wrong with me. I've managed to talk to people online and each time someone has attempted to get close to me, I've ghosted or blocked them. It's not other people. It's not external. I'm aware that I'm the problem, that it's something internal which I cannot escape.

All the while I'm having to put on a façade for others, particularly my parents.
Because I'm the intelligent and academic child.
The "artistically gifted" child.
Quiet and blunt, but with a good sense of humour.
Bright future ahead, somehow going to study abroad in Scandinavia despite the fact that I secretly plan on not living past eighteen.
The act feels like it's slowly destroying me, I know more and more cracks are showing, I'm feeling more and more tired. I just can't keep going.

I'm not even sure why I wrote this lazily written slop.