a selfish in-between blog [19.5]

wowoaah a public in between blog,
nothing crazy i want to say there is just a lot on my mind right now.

  it's crazy how I can have a more productive day then most and still feel so incomplete. should I be drawing? should I be trying to make real friends or just ppl I can hang out with in general? should I try to hang out with people I already know? i never know. yeah, if i could hang out with the people I love everyday all my days would be perfect, but they rather not do that, and I don't blame them. I mean, they never out right SAY they don't want to hang out, but sometimes you just get that vibe that they just want to be left alone, and I get it. I back up. sometimes I back up too much tho and I can never tell when I do. they don't really keep talking either. no one really know how's to keep a conversation going nowadays, me included, so I understand.. but it always leaves me in the same loop of "should we keep talking or should I just leave them be?" or "am I annoying for trying to keep it going in the first place?" or "am I trying too hard?" ig I know when they don't reply for awhile, but still. I still wish I could be busy. I still wish someone waited for me like I wait for them. ig that's selfish.

  I wish I could enjoy my own company more. did I already talk about this? idk, its still on my mind anyway. I did so many chores today and yet I still feel like my day got away from me. I played games, did my work, and my day still feels empty as hell. what am I missing? why can't those things fulfill me. why can't something other than art or hanging out with Logan or Bunny make my day feel good. why do I feel so shitty all the god damn time. I mean I sorta know why, but still common. am I not allowed to have good days anymore... all this is bs and it feels like no one really understands how I feel. no one really wants to take the time to make sure I'm okay in all this.. that sounds really selfish of me to say, once again, but ig that's just how I feel? I know I do a lot for others and I'm not expecting it back or anything it's just.. I don't know. maybe I do too much for everyone bc I don't know how to treat myself. even if I get little in return I will always be there for others. idk. sometimes I wish I wasn't like this. sometimes I wish everyone wasn't on my mind. sometimes I wish that I didn't worry about everyone, wondered how they felt, and if they are okay. it's bad for me to worry about people this much right.. maybe this all comes out of lack of control over anything in my life.

  anyways guys go listen to Learke's new single it's so peak go check her out: https://youtu.be/H7mxtMSy4A4

okay guyysssss thats it small blog thats what in-between means,
not gonna do my normal copy n paste so just DRINK SOME WATER and goodnight :]