big update and yapping!

i feel like i want to start romanticising my life again, i need to just break things down and enjoy little things. i am focused so much on the future and ive just been stressing so hard recently about everything. the big thing is i feel like i dont have enough time to get things done so instead of starting any of those things i say "i dont have time" and just end up on tiktok AGAIN. i seriously think i need to limit my social media use (especially tiktok) because i just waste SO much time and its actually insane. so to try and start my little journey of using tiktok less im going to  turn off my notifications for tiktok. which sounds small but i feel like i open tiktok literally everytime i get a notification. 

i have been getting back into my spirituality/religion and i am so proud of myself for that, i feel like i have not been practising enough. for context i am pagan and have been pagan for a few years ish, although i keep it really far on the down low and dont often talk about it with friends and especially not family. my family is very very traditionally christian, i live in a shitty conservative town in alberta so you can imagine the type of people i have to be around. i would talk more about my beliefs with friends but it just feels hard since honestly i just think i sound crazy. like i know how insane it must sound that im making moon water and chanting and shit, like from the outside i sound so absolutely crazy. 

my best best best best friend (i love her) comes from a mormon family but has no belief in god so sometimes talking about my beliefs feels like im going to be judged. although she isnt a very judgemental person, shes just very straightforward and doesnt really sugar coat things. which sounds shitty but she helps me stay on track like seriously, with guys im talking to she always catches things before i do and having that direct honesty in my life makes me feel so trusted. i feel like my big fear of judgement comes from growing up being bullied and left out, i learned in grade 2 that i could change how i reacted and acted towards other people so that majorly affected how i view myself today. i would study people on how they acted so i could mimic them because honestly i was so weird growing up and people thought so too, so i just worked towards changing that. really because of that though i seriously struggle with finding myself, so i really want to work on that. i guess a start is being open about my beliefs

more on my beliefs that isnt really negative, i started witchcraft in 2021-2022 and kind of grew from there, i would pick it up and then lose it again sometimes but you know. in 2021 i honestly started because there was another girl i knew who i had crazy beef with and she happened to study witchcraft. how else do you fight witchcraft? of course with more witchcraft! so i worked every single day to build up protection because i had a feeling she would try something, specifically a hex or curse or something. so being the idiot middleschooler i was i made a hex jar. honestly at the time i was only half believing in witchcraft, i knew that crystals worked in a way because i always felt happier and more content when i had them on me. but after that hex (which honestly i shouldn't have done, that was really petty of me and i have most definitely learned my lesson) i think witchcraft really grew on me.

for context i wished petty things on her, like minor inconveniences because i don't believe i have enough power or anything to do anything significant to this girl. except for one thing, which i put in because i was angry and didn't have any belief that it would happen, but i wished illness/injury on her. yes guys i know, thats insanely unethical and so morally wrong in a million ways but i learned my lesson (ill explain later). so after like a week this girl stops coming to school and i was a little worried my hex actually worked, i heard from my friend that she had issues in her knees. the next time i saw her was 2 months later and it was because the school year was over and she needed to pick up her stuff. she was limping and her mom had to come help her carry her things to her car and i actually felt really bad. now maybe coincidence, but i wasn;t going to take that chance. so when i got home i opened the jar and got rid of the stuff inside of the jar, literally like a month later i started getting gnarly pain in my joints, this was in grade 7, going into 8. 

anyways now im 16, in grade 11 and that joint pain was because i had hypermobilty and i was just starting to get physically affected by it. as well as bone deformities. So the threefold law is real, don't hex people, its mean, no matter how shitty they are. anyways after i opened the jar that girl wasn't limping really anymore and now she occasionally wears a knee brace but not often. 

anyways since then ive been developing my connection with the all. im just so glad im practising again. butttt speaking of my practice, i recently made some moon water and put it in my tea, i set my intention for motivation and success and since then i have been crafting so often. ive had so much energy to do things lately, i sewed a wallet, made a bunch of felt patches and wrapped my headphones in yarn. i have been feeling happier and i feel like things are falling into place. ive been using my pendulum a lot recently, and since i got it in 2023, it has never been wrong, ever. sometimes i ask it questions when i lose something and get stressed out about it being lost, and it helps me narrow my search a lot. 

there are other spells ive done but they are very personal and directed at a specific person that i cannot name. unrelated, i have a spell im planning for when the full moon rolls around again, it is current 3rd quarter so i still have to wait a while, but i have been researching and gathering supplies. before that though i have just been doing some small spells with the same intention in mind, and so far i thinkkkk they have been workingg >:) wish me luck though, i asked my pendulum and it says some of my spell are working. 

anyways thats enough crazy talk for now oh my. dont judge me too harshly, im still trying to drop on some of my friends that i do witchcraft. guys dont burn me at the stake gasp.

i have been in genuinely so much pain recently, like my body is so sore constantly, im dyingggg

but as i talked about, i cannot for the life of me stop crafting, all i do all day is craft, its so bad. my bus pass for school comes with this fugly ass pouch to keep it in that is literally neon green sooooo i fixed it. i cut up an old tshirt and sewed that fabric on top of the green, but then the black was boring so i made some patches to go on the black now it looks so good. i made a yellow star with red stitching and i used the thread to make a spiral in the middle of it. i made a blue fish with yellow stitching and a tooth with red stitching on the outside and black on the inside. if i can get a phone later ill upload one, but for now i cant put one in. 

im just happy im finally motivated and energetic enough to actually do stuff, i feel like i spend all day on tiktok :c i want to draw more.

also i have a stupid fucking essay to write soon and im genuinely gonna kms, i cannot stand essays they are the death of me. i hate hate essays with more passion than anything else in the world i swear to god. i have absolutely no energy to write this stupid thing, i have to do some dumb planning sheet and i have to write 3 fucking thesis statements and essentially plan for 3 different essays :C it is so butt. essays are so horrible for me, i just cannot stand them. the prompts are so stupid "discuss the idea(s) developed my the text creator in film name about the" UGHHHHHHHHH just write normal fucking sentences, annoying ass language for WHAT?? just tell me the prompt T_T nobody in real life is fucking saying "juxtaposition", if i hear a real person say that in contexts outside of school i will genuinely jump them. "erm there is great juxtaposition in how the green wrapper in the trash can sits next to the red one" stupid fucking english class. 

ugh i cannot stand english :c i much prefer stem classes.

also i meant to make tea this morning and completely couldnt because i woke up too late and now im so tired cuz i have no caffeine in me.