꧁⎝ 𓆩༺[ Journal.Entry _002 ]༻𓆪 ⎠꧂ : I need to Discipline myself into working on myself

Entering the Dark Descent to a Life I've Envisioned 

꧁⎝ 𓆩༺( Descending below : 02 )༻𓆪 ⎠꧂

Song of the blog: I'm Not Alone by Calvin Harris

Its been one week of hard work at school and being honest, it wasn't so much, but definitely picked up end of this week with assignments. We're moving into doing some serious animation shit like story-boarding, perspective study and composition scenes. These first days of those classes have been just easy with a little bit of note taking, but generally tame, but I got like 3 assignments to work over the weekend. They're not super hard, just one character design sheet and making some blocked out composition shots that we'll later use as inspo for our animation but also a final thumbnail we'll make for the end of this term I assume. 

College this week has been quite nice actually. It was the first full week and my god did it fee like 3 weeks of work. I guess when you're not laying around everday waiting for time to pass the days feel longer and I mean longer by a lot. Everyday this whole week has felt like 2-3 days of shit to do. I swear to god it felt like weekend was never going to come but it did. Felt like a millenia and I even tried telling myself schools been in for 2-3 weeks but its only been less than 2 weeks. I kinda like that time is slowing down. I feel like I'm not running out of time and the weekend felt longer last week too. Working everyday for 5 days straight and getting that release at the end of the week is so relieving. I'm gonna enjoy this weekend like my life depends on it. Then back to school to repeat it again on monday.

So far this week I've done nothing but school, so not much else to update myself on. Typically wouldn't write an entry this soon, but wanted to anyways. I have many plans now that I've started school to completely change myself by the end of the year but also when I graduate next August. It feels weird for it to be only a 1 year program, but maybe after I'll take on a 2-year or 4-year one at a different school! Its kind of hard scheduling things because every week is different with different class times. Sometimes I'll have a day when I only show up from 9-12 and have the rest of the day free or one class 4-7. I had a day where I was at school till 12 then didn't have another class till which was weird. Anyways, I gonna plan out things I want to do so by August 2026 I'm a whole new person. I need to pick up the gym asap and I mentioned this in a previous entry about doing so, but I never did it. I feel really ashamed about not disciplining myself to do it. 

It's such an insecurity of mine that it feels like I'm the only guy not working out and getting big. I'm not super thin or anything, I was like 2 years ago or so and it was really bad, but I guess it took me a bit to catch up. I'm just average, but still on the smaller end and its something that has bothered me for so long. (not to get all personal) this is my blog so I can talk abt what I want, but I hate being skinny or feeling smaller. It's been like that my whole life; always being the shortest in class, smallest boy in school, weakest guy in gym class. I hated all of it. I tried picking up sports and I did love doing volleyball and swimming, but I never did anything with it past 8th grade and I got warped up in my own teen issues that I couldn't bother to get back to them. I used to always stare down other boys who had size to them or had so much confidence in themselves, not because I was attracted to it, but I wanted what they had. How come my arms weren't like that, how come I can't be that tall, why are my shoulders and back not as broad. I've grown a lot since then and my body has changed a bit that I don't feel super self conscious or inadequate to other guys my age, but I still hate the way it looks. I've tried so hard to get into the gym many times before and the longest was 3-4 months and I got bigger but lost it all after getting sick then never going again. Now I'm 19, and I still feel that way. I just want that big hunk body if that's the right words to use. I want to fill out a men's medium, I want my thighs to fill my jeans and shoulder make my upper body look huge. Half I guess is just aesthetics and wanting to look hot because I won't deny it and controversial take, I think if you're a guy any amount of muscle makes clothes look so much better on you. Not to say every guy should, but I mean what guy wouldn't want to have a decent physique(I'm not talking jacked, I mean realistic decently built body). 

So today as of 6:54, I'm going to go to the gym I've been wanting to go to for so long since moving and buy a membership then follow my gym routine which would be Chest/back day so my favorite day to start! Hoping it's cheaper, but regardless it's a 24/7 gym and I will be a good investment towards myself. Around 7:45-8, I'll head out and I will never go back. 

Right now, I'll spend time planning my schedule and getting ready then tomorrow back to school so I gotta do some art homework.

TTYL
S.S