life yap that nobody cares to hear

back again… hi everyone :o)

i like to yell into places where pretty much nobody hears me. so here’s that!

i started college tthhhrreeeee? or four? weeks ago. i think four. time kind of blends together. 

i’m already falling behind on work but i’ve never been good at homework… and all these stupid websites are so expensive… can’t we do paper work… i’m 10x more likely to get homework done if it’s on paper. 

living in a dorm has been interesting. i’ve been keeping it somewhat clean (surprising considering how my room at home is always a huge mess) but during the week it gets kinda hard.  the worst part is my desk i think, i usually get home and just throw my shit on the desk and then climb into bed. 

it’s not too bad though cuz its a suite (so like 4 singles sharing a living room and 2 bathrooms) so my mess is my problem and only gets in my way. i really like organizing my desk! i suppose the stereotypes are true. 

it’s been hard to make friends. college is so… different. i like the class schedule more (except for thursdays, thursdays are hell) and i love the freedom, but it’s sooooo lonely. i’ve tried going to club meetings but it’s hard for me to talk to people. and surprise surprise, the people in the clubs i’m interested in (lgbtq+ club, theater club) are super annoying (expected). like thats awful to say but i just can’t work with 2020 humor anymore. 

i’ve stopped carrying my plushie everywhere. i feel a little bad because i used to bring him out to see the world with me every day, but he’s heavy… he’s weighted because hes meant to be microwaved so he gets warm… so it’s a little hard to take him everywhere, especially with how much it’s been raining. i hope he knows i still love him. 

me and the boyfriend are still going strong! my birthday is on tuesday. he got me a necklace i think, we were browsing together. i don’t know if he got it in silver or gold though… usually i wear all silver because im goth and i think it looks better but apparently gold compliments me. i guess it’s never too late to become a gold goth! maybe itll be easier, i’ve always struggled to find silver jewelry. 

i met this one guy who wants to be my friend but he kind of freaks me out. all his friends are pretty cool though. but he’s totes giving performative male, but i cant put my finger on it. he also called me the n word; he’s mexican. i can’t say im too surprised though, i live in an area thats very mexican-dominated and a lot of people act like they’ll die if they don’t say it once every 20 seconds. 

i’ve been a little bit sad lately but i dont know why. i guess the new environment is getting to me. things are changing. i never really liked change. maybe it’d be better if i could drive. 

my boyfriend starts college soon… he’s leaving on thursday to move in. he’s going to a whole different state, i can’t imagine how nervous he is… considering i’m just in a different town thats slightly more upstate, i can’t even try to relate! i really hope he’ll be okay… i personally think he’ll like the freedom. 

not indicative of anything i promise, but i always feel like i need to document it so here it is. if i die for whatever reason and like the police or whatever needs my phone password, its balsa

like luca balsa from identity v. because my boyfriends name is luca hehe

here’s to 19, hopefully my back pain fixes itself soon 

maxim