Author's Note: I wrote this over a year ago, and I'm currently working to completely remake it. I decided to post it here just to see if anyone likes it. It might be awful, so fair warning. The formatting is also weird because I copied this from Google Docs. I promise I'll post something decent soon!

The Leaf Story!

I am a leaf. Yeah, you heard that right, faithful reader. I am a simple leaf, stuck to a maple tree and left here to do leaf things. What is a leaf thing? Well, I have been wondering the same thing every single day since I came to be on this earth. When did I show up? Well, that is rather simple. It all began on the date of my actual birth. That was some time ago.

Now, I know what you are wondering right now, and trust me, I can help you out. You see, I don’t need to follow the rules. There are four walls in this world, but I only accept three of them. The fourth wall? Yeah, I break it.

See, I did it right there. But, dear reader, you may be wondering, “When is the diddly darn plot gonna start?”

And to that, I say “Shut up.”

But other than that, I say that something exciting needs to happen. It surely will soon, if we are lucky. Now, I’m going to stop talking to you for now and we’ll just get into the main meat of the meal.

I looked out from my regular spot on the tree. I noticed it was colder than normal. Fall must be coming. Oh, goodness, fall. Fall, the fabled end of days! The elder leaves talk of a great wilting that takes our entire population to the ground. Quite literally, I might add. Gramps, an old leaf who resides in the forsaken Lawn, speaks of the last fall. It was about twelve months ago, whatever that may mean, and it spelled disaster for our people. Or leaves. Or leaple.

I saw a man walk down through the Lawn. Humans. Such fascinating things, with their massive size and strange bodies. Most puzzling of all, they seemed to defy nature; defy logic. Able to survive— no, thrive on the Lawn.

Unfortunately, they are also the most deadly predators on the face of the earth. I watched in terror as this man, or better yet, monster, grabbed a rake. Rakes, from what Gramps has said, are man’s best tool in the extermination of leaves.

I regret to inform you that Gramps is no longer with us.

“Avenge Gramps!” I called, spinning and twisting all over myself to find somebody. Of course, it was nighttime and nobody could hear me, for they were sleeping.

“Shut up, Leaf! We’re tired of photosynthesizing,” a leaf called out.

“Well, I hope the rake takes you away!”

This was a mistake.

Immediately, every leaf was in a twist, so enraged by my statement that some even tore themselves off the tree to meet the Lawn. A sad fate. Oh, did I not mention that the tree is a bit picky? Yeah, it didn’t like that I was causing it to lose its leaves, so it plucked me off, and I felt the thrill of falling.

The Lawn hit me like a bag of snakes. Or bricks. Yeah, it’s definitely bricks. Anyway, let’s get focused again.

I rolled over and saw the tree, in all of its glory, looking back at me. I was alone. Completely alone. The man had left me, and I was alone. Leaves cannot sob, but I assure you that I sobbed inside. I had no heart, but it ached. I had no head, but it hung. But I kept moving on. I needed to. If I didn’t, how could I recount this story I am now? Well, I am not the one writing it. But I am the one who lived it. Lived HIS vision.

I saw a cat walking along the fence that separated the man from his neighbor. At last! Somebody to help me. “Help me! Help me!” I called, hoping to make a sound. That cat must have been expired because all it did was walk around aimlessly like some sort of drone.

Considering my current predicament, I thought long and hard about what I could do. After all, I am just a leaf. Leaves can’t walk, and most leaves can’t talk. I am just special. However, the cat was still walking aimlessly.

“Hey! Hey!” I called, attempting to wiggle my way toward the cat. What is a cat? That’s a serious question. What is a cat? Is it like me, or is it different? It certainly looks different. It isn’t green and it has limbs. But it can move, which is more than I can say for myself.

Perhaps cats are gods.

But if they are gods, then what am I? A lowly peasant? What is existence? Wait a minute! I have gotten way off track. I looked at the cat, and the cat looked back. The cat purred before running away and going inside the house. I could not believe it. You look the cat in the eyes. You see how much it cares. And then what happens? The darn thing runs away. Leaves you. Just like friends.

Suddenly, the wind picked up from the east. I pushed myself against the grass and resisted the wind. I was picked up and blown across the rough ground. Fortunately, leaves do not experience concussions. As I hit the ground again and again I noticed that there was a bush separating the man from his neighbor. I was caught in the bush and could not move. The wind had died down and I had very little hope of making it out.

I had a lot of time to think and so I thought of a lot of stuff. I imagined stories of fantastic events. Monsters rampaging cities, geniuses exploring while taking tests, superheroes-in-training, snowmen going to school, really rare red raptors, ghosts haunting closets, and many other things. But that will bore you.

Instead, let us move forward. Pass the time. After all, you have precious time too and I highly doubt you want to listen to my ramblings.

Roughly two days later the wind kicked up again and I was tossed onto the sidewalk. I took a moment to take in my surroundings. There was a church across the street. Next to it was Sloppy Burger, a fast-food restaurant chain.

The wind continued to blow and I fell down into a storm drain. I hit a wet surface and was submerged. I flapped my body up and down to swim upward until I found the concrete. There seemed to be an unending number of routes through the sewer system. It appeared as though I would never find my way home. I will be marooned! Lost to the sewers, forced to suffer in a swamp of stinky feces. Oh, speaking of such foul things, I rolled myself into a very disgusting pile of things. I will not subject you to such indecencies.

I let myself flow in the discolored water until I met a rat. The rat was large and had light gray hair. It bit me and carried me off somewhere. I wiggled and thrashed and tore at the rat but its bite was binding and constricting upon me.

The rat eventually crawled out from a sewer drain and placed me in a pile with more leaves and garbage.

“Psst, hey! Hey, leaf! Newbie!” a voice called out to me. I looked around and saw a red leaf. The leaf appeared to be old, wrinkles covered it and it was leaning against a soda bottle.

“Who are you?” I asked, “What do you want?”
“I am the ancient dark king. I ravaged the world years ago, but now I am forgotten and left in this wretched hole. This spawn-place of vermin. This breeding ground of rot. But you can help me.”

“How can I help you?” I asked, staring at the red leaf. His face, if you can call it that, was scrunched in thought or anger. I could not decipher much from his features. However, I could tell he was serious.

“Listen, spring leaf, I’ve been around for many falls. I know how this world works. There are two things. The leaves… and the shears. I was a leaf. Weak. Simple. Used. But now I am the shears. I control things. I run a very profitable business,” the red lead said, a scowling smile slowly spreading on his face.

“Profitable business?” I asked.

“All-natural, bio-degradable, vegan confetti.”

“No! It cannot be!”

The red leaf wiggled toward me and stared at me. “It is a profitable venture. Very lucrative. I leave the bags out on the curb for a wealthy businessman to pick them up and leave some water for me and the gang. Sure we lose some leaves, but… it is a worthwhile cost,” he said.

Suddenly, he flopped over onto me. In case you were not aware, this is how leaves fight. They just kinda flop around until one of us gives up. “Hmm… you have the audacity and tenacity to fight yet I do not know your name. Interesting. Very interesting. May I get your name?” I asked, scooting out from beneath the opposing leaf.

“I am the Red Leaf!” he called.

“Red Leaf? Is that really the best you’ve got? That’s like a superhero named Red Man. It’s stupid. You’re stupid.” I said whilst backing myself up to the wall. The side of the road was not a very good place to do battle.

“You ignorant kid! You truly expect to stop me?” asked Red Leaf.

I began to chuckle softly. “Do you always talk like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like some Shakespearean character. It’s irritating. Although if you cannot beat them, join them. Thou hast fallen into my trap. You are a saucy boy! You do not listen, yet you expect your due payment with little effort. You expect to brawl, yet you bring no skill. Outclassed in entirety, you are. And therefore I win.” I said, trying my best to make up fancy words.

“What do you mean?” asked my enemy.

“Behind you.”

Red Leaf twisted himself and saw that behind him was the large cliff that separated the road and the lawn. “What does this matter to me?” asked him.

I lunged and pushed him onto the lawn. He was dazed and unaware of what happened. Suddenly, a large cardinal flew down. “Huh? Hey!” yelped Red Leaf as the cardinal began to peck at him. I could not help but laugh at his blight.

The cardinal, its brilliant red feathers gleaming in the early morning sunlight, picked Red Leaf up in its beak and began to flap its mighty wings. The cardinal flew up and away into the sky. Red Leaf was carried with him, likely to be horribly mauled and mangled before spending eternity within a nest. Just as he deserves.

Oh? Was that a bit too psychotic for a protagonist? Sorry. But I do not care. Anyways, yep. That’s my story. I think everything is pretty much finished. And don’t you dare ask about what I do, being fifty and some odd miles away from home without a place to go. I’ll wither away and die peacefully. However, one more thing did occur.

I found myself up in another tree. This tree, rather small in comparison to my former home, was located outside of a rental home. Incidentally, there was a car in the driveway. I leaped from the tree into the car’s open top. I had done some studying about human vehicles and deduced that this vehicle was a recent model. A 1967 Chevrolet Impala, if I am not mistaken. On the back of it was a metal plate with a strange name and a series of symbols. On top was California. Interesting. Perhaps this will come into play later on.

To spoil the surprise, perhaps I will play a role in a future story. Yep, a sequel tease. What will that be? That is for you to find out.  Now I’m rambling to hit that golden 2000-word goal. Is this breaking the fourth wall too much? Maybe you can decide. Now I have to stop or he will get upset. Anyways, I hope you liked my life story, you creep. Looking into an innocent leaf’s life. Weird.

The End