Vodka Nose Bleeds

I have lived an extremely grievous life, having experienced horrible things that my own family don’t even know about me or my life. I had my breaking point in my twenties and began searching for peace through substances. I felt so unloved, so desperate for peace, so desperate for someone to be genuinely kind to me, so desperate to forget my past, so desperate for love, so desperate for sleep, so desperate to forget my mistakes, so desperate for someone to care about me genuinely and wholeheartedly, and I ended up becoming dependent on alcohol. Vodka was my choice of poison and being able to experience the complete opposite of constant grief was one of the best feelings I have ever felt in this entire universe. I needed it to feel normal, I needed it to feel mentally stable, to feel some form of comfort in my great desperation, I needed it to function at work to complete my tasks, and it was complete bliss for me. I couldn’t work a shift at work without drinking and would drink 2 shots of vodka every break. It was harsh so of course I had my juice or soda to use as a chaser.

At the time, I worked at a job where I had three breaks per shift, so imagine, a double shot of vodka for three breaks. Six shots of vodka in about a 10 hour shift. Every single shift a week. For some people, that may not be a lot, but I am very thin, so I get drunk extremely easily. The drinking began to cause damage, my kidneys began to hurt and after drinking my nose would start bleeding. I would drink in the car on my break and then go inside to work, and my nose would start to leak. I would use my shirt to wipe away the constant flow of blood and then just keep working like nothing was going on. I would throw up and keep drinking the next day. Bro, I was zooted out of my mind. I could carry myself well though, so no one could tell that I had drunk anything, despite the truth. Well kind of, because on two occasions, two people stopped to question me, because they smelled it on my breath, but other than that, nobody seemed to know that I was blasted out of my mind in another happy universe. I would lie and say that I started drinking kombucha, and they left me alone.

I had no worries, no panic, no fear, no dread, no care for the past, finally felt safe in the present, nothing truly mattered, and I was finally happy. Finally happy. However, when learning more about Lord Jesus, I stumbled upon verses in the New Testament that command believers to remain sober:

1 Peter 1:13 "Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ;"

1 Peter 4:7 "But the end of all things is at hand: be ye therefore sober, and watch unto prayer."

1 Peter 5:8 "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:"

1 Thessalonians 5:6 "Therefore let us not sleep, as do others; but let us watch and be sober."

1 Corinthians 5:11 “But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.”

1 Thessalonians 5:8 "But let us, who are of the day, be sober, putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for a helmet, the hope of salvation."

And let me tell you, I was ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS. I even think I yelled out loud that I REFUSED to give up alcohol, because I did not want to face life sober. I was sitting on the couch fuming, realizing what I had to do, and I got up storming around the house. But God won in the end, I repented. I poured out my giant bottles and many water bottles filled with vodka hidden in my car (was pretending it was water), and I began praying for help to stop. The taste of vodka was so gross, I hated it, but I needed it. I began trusting God to keep me away from my addiction. And eventually I just stopped cold turkey somehow. My cravings haven’t gone away, but I have been able to keep myself from giving in. The actual act of going to the liquor store has ended. Hallelujah! As of now, I may be over seven months sober or more. There is no way I would have been able to quit cold turkey and remain this way without God’s intervention. Absolutely not. No way. Ain’t no way, sir. Ain’t no way, mam. I prayed and begged for help and He answered me. God has been so kind to me. Majority of people don’t know this, but repentance is a gift from God, not something people can do purely on their own:

2 Timothy 2:25 "In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;"

Romans 2:4 “Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?”

Acts 11:18 “When they heard these things, they held their peace, and glorified God, saying, Then hath God also to the Gentiles granted repentance unto life.”

Repentance is not a human act done in our own strength, but it's something God grants, helping us change through His grace, connected with faith and truth. It’s a powerful reminder of God’s mercy and initiative in saving sinners. He is the one working behind the scenes, making it all possible. The bible tells us that it is actually God who wills in us and works in us to do of His good pleasure, therefore, we are truly not able to do things out of our own accord. He is actually the one doing the hard work:

Philippians 2:13 "For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure."

God granted me repentance and I am so grateful. Sometimes the urge to drink hits me painfully, especially when I have had a bad day, and I feel literally insane, but Jesus Christ hasn’t let me down yet. He has been stronger than my weaknesses and He has loved me more than anyone ever has. I was probably slowly dying. My nose would bleed and my kidneys hurt so bad. Sometimes I thank God and feel overwhelmed by the fact that I don’t think that I can actually ever thank Him enough for all that He has done for me. For all that He has saved me from. And for continuing to care about me and help me through all of my intense pain. I still struggle with mental pain and heartache, but it hasn’t broken me to the point of grabbing a bottle. I have come really close, but Lord Jesus has been stronger. Also, I usually go to church and the pastors pray over me and I feel much better. I am believing in God, that He will one day get rid of all my pain too. I have been able to distract myself by doing talents instead: painting, flag dancing, writing, sketching, praying constantly, worshipping, trying to entertain you through storytelling on my blog posts, etc.

1 John 4:4 "Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world."

Thank you, Lord Jesus. I will never be able to thank Him enough.

Thanks for stopping by! I'm hoping you'll drop by and visit my blog to read another entry in the future. I have a bunch that might entertain you and they are all true stories. God bless you! Jesus loves you! And I do too!