Report Blog Entry
I hate knowing that I want to build a community but feeling so anxious that I believe I’ll immediately be shot down if I try.
I understand that I’m not a child anymore. Any normal, well-adjusted adult should be able to ask for things and talk to people, or nothing gets done. It’s part of the reason I didn’t get my ID until last week (I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone, and I canceled the appointment at least 7 times in the last four years because I was afraid.) It has stunted me since I could remember, even if I didn’t understand why I would do or avoid things. It made someone very bitter and angry at the end of it all. I can’t blame anyone, though, in a way; I’m sure I could’ve done something to stop it, and I’m sure I could do something to stop this and fix who I am. Although, even when I envision changing for the better, I am still alone. It bothers me a lot. I can’t even imagine my future at this point because I thought I’d be dead by now.
I want attention so bad from anyone that it hurts. It seems like the only attention I get is when someone is angry with me or is the type of attention where you have to fight to get even an ounce of it. Either way, it doesn’t matter; neither is good for me. Whenever I do give up on that pursuit of wanting to feel loved, I usually just go online. I create things that in the grand scheme of everything are nothing. I try not to tell anyone how I feel because I don’t want to hurt them. I feel so tired, and I don’t like it. I know it’ll only get worse as I age if these are supposed to be the best times of my life.
I know it’s not positive to compare myself to my brother either, but everyone does it. Even though he’s not around, everything is still about him. I know it’s supposed to be personable to ask about someone’s life, but I feel like that’s all they want to know before their eyes drain of curiosity and go back to being that polite, not-listening stare. I usually just stop talking after they ask about him. I don’t know if they can tell that I know that’s why they talked to me at all, but they usually make up an excuse about being busy. He’s better than me in any way I can think of, but it would be nice to get something more than pity.
I can’t reach out to the few friends I do have. I think they hate me when I do. I can’t bother them, or they’ll leave. I hope someone reaches out soon. I don’t think I could leave my house, but I want to be talked to. I want to be thought about by someone where the emotion isn't disgust.
I want attention so bad from anyone that it hurts. It seems like the only attention I get is when someone is angry with me or is the type of attention where you have to fight to get even an ounce of it. Either way, it doesn’t matter; neither is good for me. Whenever I do give up on that pursuit of wanting to feel loved, I usually just go online. I create things that in the grand scheme of everything are nothing. I try not to tell anyone how I feel because I don’t want to hurt them. I feel so tired, and I don’t like it. I know it’ll only get worse as I age if these are supposed to be the best times of my life.
I know it’s not positive to compare myself to my brother either, but everyone does it. Even though he’s not around, everything is still about him. I know it’s supposed to be personable to ask about someone’s life, but I feel like that’s all they want to know before their eyes drain of curiosity and go back to being that polite, not-listening stare. I usually just stop talking after they ask about him. I don’t know if they can tell that I know that’s why they talked to me at all, but they usually make up an excuse about being busy. He’s better than me in any way I can think of, but it would be nice to get something more than pity.
I can’t reach out to the few friends I do have. I think they hate me when I do. I can’t bother them, or they’ll leave. I hope someone reaches out soon. I don’t think I could leave my house, but I want to be talked to. I want to be thought about by someone where the emotion isn't disgust.
Comments
Displaying 0 of 0 comments ( View all | Add Comment )