An Anxiety Attack [Blog-Diary]

I had an anxiety attack while trying to do my math test earlier. My phone kept buzzing in my bag- and I keep every notification silent except for direct messages and phone calls, so it was unusual and concerning that it was going off so much. Since my dad's still in the hospital, my mind jumped to the worst. But I didn't want to get my phone out during a test, and I couldn't tell if I was just hallucinating or not. I tried my best to just focus on the test, but the panic was already set off. I failed with a 59...

After class, I got myself outside and sat by some bushes on a matinence sidewalk. I checked my phone, and it turns out I'd gotten a call from my University's care team. Ironic. I have no idea why they'd call me during class- out of everyone they should know my schedule - but whatever. I had a message from my mom as well, but it was nothing too urgent. 

Some people were walking by, and I was already very on edge, so I walked a bit further to a sloped water underpass for a road. It looked out into the woods, and I could see some fish swimming into the pass. I called back the number, and some lady talked to me about how if I needed any help or support, that they'd be there and I could call her office number. My history teacher put in a CARE request for me after I asked for two assignment extensions in a row, so I knew that they'd be in contact, I just didn't know they'd directly call me.

There's not much they can do for me, though. I'm already in contact with my professors, I'm already in therapy (and the campus therapy kind of sucks...), and whatever other resources they have probably wouldn't do much for me right now. It's nice to know they're there, I suppose.

I was still experiencing a lot of anxiety, so I walked over to the University's sensory room. I've been here for the past... hour? Or so? It's quiet in here, and they have a bunch of fidget items and its dimly lit. I've been here a few times before. It's a nice refuge.

Usually when I have a panic attack or anxiety attack it'll dissipate relatively quickly once whatevers causing it is gone. But this one lingering for awhile. I keep having these irrational bursts where I feel like I want to curl up on the ground and hide. Like somethings clawing at me from the inside. My head hurts, and I am so very tired.

Usually when it gets this bad I'll just go home, but I don't want to miss my Environmental Science class. I already missed my Composition 2 class (which was like 10 minutes after my Algebra class), and I only have the Environmental class twice a week. Plus its over 2 hours long and the majority of the grade is in class participation. I don't want to get behind. It starts at 3:30- and its 2:07 as I'm writing this. I hope I can just grit and bear it. 

I've not felt anxiety this horrible in a long, long time. I have that same internal thrashing from when I'd have my sensory overloads. Everything is electric and shocking me. 

I think the fact that I took my higher dose of ADHD medication alongside the Earl Grey tea I drank is not helping. It's too severe to be just because of that- but I think it's what's making it take so long to go away. I had a similar anxiety attack once when I accidentally ordered an expresso from my favorite bagel place. I only realized hours later when I was trying to do the dishes. I was just standing there when I suddenly felt like I was being hunted for sport. At least then I could sit back and see that there wasn't actually anything to worry about- and that my anxiety was entirely an unfortuate chemical reaction. Now it's all too real, and I can't just curl up in bed. I have things to do.

Plus I can't even just take tomorrow to recoup. I have to be at a car repair place by 9AM because my car's AC decided to stop working. I'm just... tired. I'm trying my best to take care of myself, and be leaniant with the amount of rest I need, but its a delicate balance between resting enough and ignoring important responsibilities. 

At the end of the day though, that's life. I'm thankful for it, and I love it here- living on my own has been incredible for my mental state- and I love the freedom I have. It's just exhausting sometimes, and I'm still figuring out how to balance everything with the cards I've been dealt. My mental disorders will continue to make that a pain for me, but I'll learn. I'll complain and fall along the way, yeah, but I *will* make it eventually.