Being a loser it's okay sometimes

Being a loser is okay sometimes 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how people perceive me and how I perceive myself.

Friends, family, people who barely know my name and i have a reputation with.

I always thought I didn't care what people thought about me. I acted the way I wanted, I made my own decisions, I spit out the words I wanted to express.

But now that I've collected all the thoughts people have about me, I think I've come to a conclusion.

I'm a loser. And i think i'm okay with that.

Seeing many of the conclusions people have about me when they meet me, I've realized that many believe I'm a failure. Someone who hasn't and won't achieve anything with my life. 

Everyone sees the things I've broken and left on the floor, everyone's seen how I've fallen apart and fallen to the ground along with everything else I've broken along the way.

Everyone has seen how I've failed even in the smallest things. I've even realized that one of the most important people in my life thinks I'm not good enough. 

For the world, I have lost all my battles, and just as I have lost the battle, I will lose the war.

All of this has led me to a bland and tasteless exploration of this pain I feel inside because of it. 

At the end of all this exploration, I have found something that has given me a little hope. A hope that I keep deep within me and that I don't show to anyone but myself. (And maybe my therapist)

And it's true that people may actually be somewhat right. I've lost many battles, I've fallen very low many times. I'm not good enough, nor the man they expect me to be. Maybe I am a waste of potential, as they believe. I am this.

But there is a big lie in all this. How the lie that an adult tells a child and the child believes it.

I'm a failure now and in the past. But that doesn't mean I've given up or that I'm not giving my best.

Every day since I wake up I keep in me this hope of being better

I do the best I can.

I don't have many friends now. I'm really bad at school. I'm not good at the things I like. I have and live with three psychiatric diagnoses. 

But still, I get up every day and no matter how hard it is, I keep trying no matter how hard it is. 

I take my meds, go to therapy, and do what I can.

I don't mind being a loser to others or to everyone. Myself and those who really know me know that I really try.

I don't care if I'm a loser to you too. To me, I'm just a fighter.