this is really just a rant about my life

over the past year nothing has felt right. its just been a cycle through depresive, manic, and suicidal type episodes. there are only a few people on this plant that can deal with me. for everyone else im "too much". everyone always says im too emotional and lash out. i dont mean to be. but than they leave. so why dont i just leave before they do? i recently moved (for like the 100th time) and i made new friends but realistically how long will they want to be my friend? anyone ive ever known will always say i get upset too easily. i want to just end it. maybe than it will be fine. or not. who knows. im so alone. i just want to get drunk or high. something to make it not hurt so bad. all i want to do 24/7 is cry, block everyone, or cut. at school im being bullied even more than i was at my old school. and its because im alternative. these people dont even know me but they still make fun of me; i cant even do anything though because its barley bullying. but i know it is. i know no one sees me as a boy. why would anyone? i dont even see myself as a boy.i can cut my hair wear a binder or lower my voice as much as i want but it wont make me a boy. and im so fat too. why cant i just lose a few pounds? why do i have to be me? why cant i just do nothing all day. none of my friend really like me. they all talk shit. ive never met one person who hasnt talked shit about me. in the moment i was like "they would never do that" as they where actively talking shit. i miss my ex so much it hurts my soul. it was only a 5 month relationship but still. he was the first person i cared that much about. and now im trying to date again but the commitment is terrifying. i just want to yell at everyone and than ghost them. what would happen if i just skipped school? no one would notice? so why would it matter? my phone might get taken but thats it. they where not kidding when they said 7th and 8th grade will be the worst years of your life. i wish someone would just kill me. or kiss me. i just want to be seen and held. someone i beg of you please just assassinate me. i dont want to be here. everything sucks. i miss my old town. but i hate it so much. if i stayed i would have to see my ex in the halls; but at the same time if i stayed i would be in the most familiar place with the one person who could handle me. what the fuck is wrong with me. is it normal to feel this way? because what if im not special and everyone feels like this but im too stupid to realize it. i used to be smart. i used to get some of the highest scores on the state testing. and now here i am. begging someone to kill me on a stupid blog no one in their right mind will ever read. i hope if someone is stupid enough to try to read this that they are in a better state of mind than me and if their not i hope you get better. ive said this a hundred times even to those i dont like/am not on good terms with but i will say it again, no one (and i mean no one) deserves to feel this way. over the summer my mom found out everything. she already knew i smoked weed and shut that down but she found my old suicide notes. she found pictures if my cuts. she found pictures of me drinking. she found videos of me vaping. she found it all. she should have got me real help. not just "have a talk" with me (yell at me). for the longest time shes been saying shes going to get me a psychiatrist and therapist. and maybe that would help. i have mixed feelings about having a therapist. 1. they would tell my mom everything i say. 2. they have the power to send me to a mental hospital (and from the stories ive heard i would never want to end up there). 3. maybe i would be able to be diagnosed with something? i want to know what wrong with me. have a reason on why i act and feel the way i do. why i hear and see things. as said earlier in this huge rant, i want to be held. i have a boyfriend but he lives in my old town (3 hours away) and i dont even know if thats going to work out because my fear of commitment. i dont want to label my relationship with someone. if we kiss we kiss. if we talk about stuff and trust each other more than anyone else than its just that. no names for anything. we are just existing. together. and if we get in a fight it doesnt mean we "go on a break" or "break up" its just we are fighting and might not talk for a little bit. i wihs i had someone to go to but if i did i wouldnt be making this rant. i dont want to be the "daughter" who "over reacts". i dont want to be a "druggie". i dont wnat addictions. i want to just be me again but i dont know who that is. i change every two hours. i feel like an attention seeker loser. i swear this is really just whats going on. nothing is being exaderated. this is my life in the purest form. ok this is probably too logn and no one will read this but im done writign this rant (for now).