life update

pain. suffering.

talking to my best friend makes things slightly better, slightly easier, but honestly i still just feel so empty and i just have this urge to bang my head against the wall til crimson leaks from my forehead

talking to him temporarily halts those thoughts, stops the suffering

but only for a little while

the second im without him life goes from easy to nightmare mode in a matter of seconds

i'll take whatever i can get though

i'm lucky to have him

i'd kill myself without him

i need him

i love talking to him, i love telling him about how im doing, all my struggles, all my joys, everything

maybe its foolish of me but i just dont wanna keep anything secret from him, big or small, it just feels wrong to not tell him everything, yknow?

i always feel like that whenever i have an obsession

i cant hide that im obsessed with them and i need to also make sure to tell them everything at all times

only problem is he isnt always online 

hes quite a busy fellow and he also doesnt live anywhere near me like at all, not even in the slightest, so our time zones are quite different 

so i barely ever get to talk to him cuz he's barely ever online :c

it makes me really sad

but i get it

he has things to do

he has to go to school and study and do whatever else life throws at him

and i dont really need to

i've been homeschooled for about a year by now and i dont think i've ever studied once in my life, even back when i was in public school, never needed to, so all i have to deal with is the whole "whatever else life throws at me" part, and my life is kinda uninteresting, so not a lot gets thrown at me

so obviously he'll be more busy than me

then again idrk if he studies- i mean ig i assume he does bc thats what normal people do but like hes far from normal, thats why we get along so well, and like he's prob smarter than i am so idk if he actually studies- either way though, i understand him, i dont hold it against him or anything

just makes me a little sad

speaking of sadness, he can be a little mean sometimes

i dont think he means to hurt my feelings but sometimes he just says mean shit

usually its within our friend group, so i think its just him being performative and stuff cuz the rest of our friend group tends to be a little rude to me sometimes

but like

i just kinda wish he wouldnt

but like im just too scared to set that boundary, you know?

a part of me doesnt think its my place to be setting any boundaries

after all, he's just so much better than me, i dont have the right to make any demands of him

plus, i dont know if he'll listen or not and like i really dont wanna end up getting mad at him or have him get mad at me

its better to not risk it

anyways, on another topic now, 

i've a new hyperfixation, its a little strange though perhaps

its a historical figure

Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde was this one victorian era writer 

fun fact: he had a similar birthday to me :3 not the same, but similar. his birthday was oct 16, mine is oct 11, we're both early october libras, which i just think is pretty neat

another fact, though im unsure of if its fun or not: he was arrested in 1895 for homosexual acts

unsure of its its a fun fact or not bc like on one hand YAY, GAY VICTORIAN MAN!!!! but like on the other hand... kinda sad that he was arrested over that... but that was simply the times he lived in i suppose

currently reading The Picture of Dorian Gray, Wilde's only actual novel, so far its pretty good, theres some parts that have made me go "wtf" but eh, those were the times he lived in i suppose, its somewhat excusable for him to be a little discriminatory i guess, especially considering how the novel is actually VERY progressive for its time (its kinda gay ngl (has a lot of queer themes lol))

so far there's been 2 occasions of a character calling Dorian a "good boy" and both times lowkey kinda shocked me a little (victorian era praise kink lmfao)

Oscar Wilde truly was wild

uhhhhh also if you've noticed my language being a little bit more fancy and refined its probaly because of that, i have a habit of letting the manner of language that i use get molded by the media i consume

and i've been reading a novel about a bunch of victorian men that was written by a victorian man

so i've kinda been catching myself accidentally just randomly speaking like a victorian man

anyways yeah thats all for now :3 feel free to comment with like anything, whether it be advice or simply sharing a similar interest or complimenting the way i word stuff or what have you, i appreciate every ounce of attention i get (seriously i need attention to live pls give me attention please pleas eplewse pleasws pelase peleassee plessae PLEAXSE PELSWE#EEEEP PLESDEEEEE)

#oscarwildewasreallyfuckinqueer #justlikemefrfr anyways uhhh yeah, blake out. goodbye, my fellow f4ggts, may your days be filled with joy and whimsy for all eternity :3