digital diary 3

it's been about a month. school has had me busy.sorry about that. anyway:

i feel ok.

i've been on prozac to help my depression. low dosage. i'm not miserable anymore. but i can't really think of anything much at all...life just passes me by and i never know how to feel aboutit. really, i just feel fine.maybe that's normal.i'm just not used to it.it's always one way or the other for me.

radiohead's going on tour.incase you haven't seen my profile or anything, they're my special interest. it's only in europe.i thought something like that happening would make me overjoyed, but i don't know.i just can't seem to feel anything about it. i hope they come to america,at least.

the best way i can describe how i feel is that song, "in limbo". i'm stuck in my head all the time. thinking about when i'm somewhere far, far away.

anyway.i'm back in school. not getting shoved into lockers or anything anymore. it's alright. if anything, it's fucking boring. 

i made some friends. they're nice. i feel like i have to put on a face in front of them, though, and it's driving me mad.i never know what to say or do. maybe that'll get better as time passes.

my teachers are good.my biology teacher is abit strict, but she has good intentions.my history teacher is much the same. he also has really good taste in music.he talks about it a bunch with me and other students. he told me he went to see radiohead live, back in 2008.that's cool.math is probably my favorite class.my teacher is really young, so he's not crabby like a lot of them are. it's also really quite an easy class.he asked me the other day what my favorite radiohead album is, and talked a bit about kid a. cool guy.

otherwise school has been really redundant. not much to talk about.just running in circles all day. i have nothing to complain about.i get good grades and all.

i'm worried about how i look alot nowadays.my stomach n shit. that's a bit personal. but it's on my mind a lot. i have to force myself to do other things so i forget about it. i really don't like myself much at all, and i don't know why.

i'm rewatching bojack horseman with my father. i owe a lot to that show.it helps me a lot. every night we watch an episode, and i feel a little bit better.

we also watched some episodes of black mirror last night. "the national anthem". i chose it off of the title alone.it was very odd. watch it yourself if you want to know why. or look it up.

the second one we watched was "beyond the sea". it was very melancholic. i don't want to spoil it, but i enjoyed it.

i cleaned the house today. i don't know why. i do that sometimes for no apparent reason.my parents are happy about it. that's nice.

part of that involved sorting through my clothes. there was a lot of old shit that didn't fit me, so i handed a bunch over to my sister to look through.last school year i bought a bunch of tight fitting shit for the worst kind of validation, because i was getting bullied a ton.i don't know what i was thinking. she poked a lot of fun at it. can't say i blame her. it hurt me, though, for some reason. i don't know why. i feel really weak because of it. it shouldn't be a big deal. it shouldn't.

sorting through all my belongings made me think i'm a typical teenage boy. i really am. i have a bunch of comic books and shit. all these music posters. a bunch of vinyls and cds. and my guitar. i think to anyone that goes in there it's really obvious i really like music...

i've still been self reflecting. i personify all the bad parts of me in my art a lot, because that's really how i feel about it. all the worst in me is constantly standing over my shoulder. sometimes i can ignore it. sometimes i can't. it's a part of me either way, and i don't like that. 

my grandfather died, recently. from how sudden that was it may be obvious i wasn't particularly close to him. i still feel really off about it. i'd been hearing the days before how he'd been having heart issues, and then one day he died in his sleep. regardless of if i knew him or not, he still lived an entire life of his own. that's no insane revelation or anything, but my brain still finds it hard to process.

i'm going to his funeral, way up in buffalo, in 2 weeks or so. i live a couple hours away. i don't know how to feel about it. i'm mostly just going up there, and by extension the rest of my family, to comfort my grandmother.  so i'm going on a roadtrip. not the happy kind.

my birthday's also coming up. october 10th. 10/10. 10 is my lucky number. "in rainbows" also came out on october 10th. it's like my birthday album. 

i don't want too much this year. what i really have been asking my parents for is an electric guitar. they're expensive anyway, so that's enough for me. it would be amazing.

i might be going somewhere for my birthday. i never do that kind of thing. my family has some extra money from insurance, from when my house burnt down last year. it's a lot to explain, so i won't get into it. the point is, i'm excited if i do end up going anywhere.

not much else going on. i'll be ok. that's the best way to sum up everything in my head. i'll be alright.

goodnight.